


That Time in Paris

by throughtheparadox



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gen, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-05-11 18:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 30,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5636575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughtheparadox/pseuds/throughtheparadox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remember Dan's ex-girlfriend for three years? She followed his Youtube journey since the beginning. They had no contact after the breakup (at least to Dan's knowledge) and until now, she still wonders about what happened to them and why they ended their relationship. </p><p>Ratings may change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When I was Fifteen

The sky was extremely bright today, much to everyone's excitement. I scroll through Twitter and Facebook and saw everyone's enthusiasm, making plans as swiftly as they can. I scoffed. It was just another day. Why is everyone making a fuss about it? 

It was a weekend so my idea of perfection was scrolling through Tumblr all day, watching movies and TV shows non-stop and only leaving the room to rummage the kitchen for some snacks. Aaaah life!

But the thing is, that's not all I do during my freetime. I also watch... him. 

Dan. Now known as danisnotonfire; internet cult leader from Youtube, BBC Radio1 presenter, etc. etc. 

Funny. I found myself crying when he announced that he was going to release a book and will be going on tour with his friend, Phil. I was happy for him. Truly happy. I watched every single thing he posted on his channel, his collabs, everything. He grew up. He succeeded. 

But I can't look at him without thinking about the boy I fell in love with when I was fifteen. We've been together for three years and it feels like it was just yesterday when he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was the funniest thing. 

We were in my room watching some random show on TV when he attempted to squeeze my hand in an affectionate way (he ended up almost crushing my fingers). We laughed so hard to the point of tears until he kissed me briefly, mumbling the question as he pulled away. I remember saying, "what the heck are you even trying to say?" jokingly. 

He pursed his lips (making his dimples appear), breathing out to ease his own tension. Then he asked me the question. "(OC/n) do you want me... Us... To be..."

It was taking him forever that it made me laugh so hard. His face was already turning red so I looked at him and nodded. He grinned so much that night. And so did I. 

My phone vibrated. A text. 

"Hey! Dan and Phil's interviews are up tomorrow on YT for sure. Just a heads up!" my friend said. Everyone knew I was a fan. But no one in my new life knew that I was once somebody in Dan Howell's life. 

I thanked her for the reminder and sighed. An idea has been playing in my mind for so long already but I was scared to even consider it. Still, I told myself, it wouldn't hurt. Not anymore. 

Dramatically, I muffled my screams with a pillow and grabbed my laptop hastily. A few moments later, I could see the worry in my eyes as I stared at the available tickets for their tour. "Oh just do it already!" I told myself. 

Click and done. VIP.

After getting a confirmation, I smacked my hand on my forehead. What the heck have I just done? The VIP tickets are for people who wanted to meet them. I... We've never talked after we broke up. I had to freaking make fan accounts to actually try and interact with him on Twitter and Tumblr... Whatdoidowhatdoidowhatdoido?!?

I'm literally trembling. I tried to calm myself down but to no avail so I figured f*ck it. He wouldn't even recognise me anymore. I changed a lot just like him. It'll be okay. 

I'll be okay. 

To be honest, I knew deep in my heart that I would do anything to just be near to him again even for a mere minute. I'd give everything if that means I would get him to look at me the same way again... Just like he did in Paris.


	2. Hello Internet

I couldn't sleep. 

I've been staring up the ceiling for hours now, my mind filled with a void of nothingness. I wanted to cry for reasons that I couldn't even understand but tears won't fall. It'll be so much easier if I could just bawl my eyes out and blame something or someone for this anguish but nothing. Just nothing. 

So I did what I think would help me relax. I grabbed my phone and went to Youtube. He always makes me feel better. The most normal thing to feel was pain, I suppose. That's how one should feel about someone you loved so much in the past that you lost, right? But with Dan, I just feel happy seeing him where he is now. Sometimes that makes me wonder whether what we have was truly real. 

I scrolled through his videos, going to my most favourite: Hello Internet.

I've watched him talk about this so many times in his liveshows and basically everywhere and how cringeworthy it is but I find every single thing in this just wonderful. 

Even if this was the start of why we fell apart.

The video started and the view of his old room sent my heart fluttering. I remember when I used to watch him play Guitar Hero for hours, my head on the side of his bed as we sat on the floor. I would tickle him so he would lose his focus and he would do that pouty face he still does whenever he f*cks up in one of their DanAndPhilGames videos. 

He peeks out from the corner of the screen and I pause. I just had to. This was way too funny. 

I watched as he introduced himself, those hands making all those silly gestures. And then my heart stopped. 

That bear he was talking to? The one that supposedly ate his face? That was from me. 

It was supposed to be a joke. One day, I visited their house and his mum called him "Bear." Apparently everyone in the family called him Bear at the time. He was so flustered and horrified when he found out his mum told me that we spent half our time together that day with his face buried in his pillow, mumbling and cussing, red in the face and refusing to even look at me. The next day, I gave him that bear. He threw it in my face at first, that prick! But he apologised afterwards and kissed me on the forehead. That was when I knew I had properly fallen in love with him. 

He always made me laugh to point of tears. And up to this point, no one could make me do that. Still him. Even if it was just through a screen. 

I noticed that everything was starting to blur. Then I felt tears rushing down my cheeks. I just closed my eyes and suddenly felt my chest feel heavy. Other people may want to avoid this but I won't. Tonight I realised how much I had tried to keep everything that I felt ever since we chose not to see each other anymore. I didn't cry that day or the days after that. I just had a fake smile plastered on my face that I still carried to this day.

But tonight everything rushed in and somehow I'm glad. 

Somehow, the pain I felt made me fall asleep in the hopes that I could talk to Dan in my dreams.


	3. His MCR T-Shirt

I woke up with my face tearstained. I sighed. Can't be helped, I suppose. I checked my calendar and saw that in a few more days and I'll get to see Dan in TATINOF. I can't help but wonder if he will still recognise me. I hope not. I hope to pass as just another person eager to meet him, someone that will just fade into the shadows as soon as I got a photo with him. 

Because I don't know what I'll do if he recognises me. I don't want to cause as scene. 

I continued lying on my bed, feeling the soft fabric of my shirt against my skin. Sh*t. I almost forgot. This used to be his. 

Just like that, the memories flooded in again. 

As usual, we were sat on the floor of his bedroom, playing Jenga. It was almost his birthday then and as we played, he kept on teasing me about my lack of gift-wrapping skills. 

"Just because I'm a girl, that doesn't mean I'm hardwired to be creative, you know." I told him, throwing a Jenga block to his chest. Suddenly, I heard him yelp and I realised that the block hit his crotch. 

"Jeez (OC/n)! That f*cking hurt! Ow!" he exclaimed, his face red. 

Panicking, I got near him and started apologising, asking if he was okay when the tension in the air started to thicken. We both realised that due to all the fuss, one of my hands were resting on his hipbone, just a few inches away from his... well... you know. 

I was caressing his face as well so when the world seemed to halt, my hand was just on his soft cheek and we were looking each other intensely, his lips slightly parted mirroring mine. I remember how hard my heart pumped at that moment, how flustered I felt while staring into his deep brown eyes. 

It wasn't like we haven't kissed before but this time it was different. His parents weren't at home, the weather was somewhat cold but not freezing and we were beyond that point of vagueness as to what we really are together. Plus, we were teenagers with raging hormones! 

We knew that we loved each other and as if burning flame had just crashed into me, I felt him slowly meet my lips, smiling when I answered. 

I remembered grabbing him closer through his shirt--this shirt that I am wearing-- and whispering, "Nice MCR shirt. You are so hardcore." Of course I was teasing. We both love MCR and that alone actually led to his smooth move. 

"You can have it. I could give it to you right now." he whispered back, his dimples surfacing as he smirked at me. 

I grabbed the hem of the shirt, smiling shyly at him. What were we even doing? Halfway through his torso, he held my fingers, his eyebrows knit. "I..." 

I stopped and moved away from him, covering my face. "Oh Dan! I'm so sorry. This is..." 

He held me by the shoulders and took my hands away from my face. "No... It's not you. It's just that I... I don't... I'm not like the guys you see in movies you know. I'm not muscly and... And I wouldn't really know what I would be doing. And I'm just stupid to think that..." 

Just imagine his face when I started laughing. He was so focused on his spiel that I think I hurt him when I started grinning and muffling my laughter using one of his pillows. "Dan... I don't really care about all of that, okay? I just want... well..." 

He looked at me like I was crazy. And maybe I am at the time. I was so crazy about him. 

"Plus, you shouldn't feel bad. I mean jeez. If you saw my stretch marks, you would really wanna break up with me." I joked... Well... Sort of. 

"I love you." he whispered. It was so low and quiet that one might think he was just talking to himself. I think somehow we already knew but this was the first time one of us actually said it. He looked at me, his hands doing all those crazy gestures he usually does when he talks and he looked so nervous and so did I. I felt my hands shaking, my knees trembling and I just went in for an embrace. 

You know how people say that no matter how long it's been, you can still feel someone's embrace or kisses or anything if you still love them? That sort of physical tingle you get? That's a lie. Every feeling that could be felt is something unique only to that moment. Everything else is just created by our minds. The emotions are the ones that could be felt. And that's what makes it so painful. 

I could still recall how we resolved our own insecurities by holding on to each other like a tether to reality. I remember him kissing me, from my forehead to my eyes, the tip of my nose, then my lips. I remember how funny we looked trying to get our clothes off each other, laughing and saying that those sex scenes in movies are purely sh*t and that they are so unrealistic. I remember how nervous we both were because this was a spontaneous thing and we didn't have a condom with us and so we were tried to be careful af. And I remember how it felt when it was over.

He looked at me. His eyes had that dreamy look in them and he smiled. His hair was curling at the tips, sweat plastering it to his forehead. I remember him asking me if I was okay over and over and over until we fell asleep in each other's arms. 

And thank goodness we heard his parents pull in the driveaway or there would be a lot of explaining to do (we played it off as if we were still in the middle of our Jenga game and his mum brought in some snacks). We grinned a lot that day. 

He walked me home, making jokes about how we lost our virginity to each other as went along. The one I remember the most was when he asked me for one last kiss before I stepped into our house and I looked at him, asking "really?" 

He replied, "You took my virginity and now you don't want anything to do with me. You are literally the worst person in the world now." We laughed.

I ran back to him and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket just so he would bend down and I could reach his lips. 

I wish every goodbye was as sweet as that moment.


	4. His Favourite Youtuber

I was the very first Phan shipper. 

The thing is, I introduced Dan to the world of Youtube by showing him my subscription feed one day at school. We were 14 years old, both obsessed with the freedom that is the internet and I got him hooked right then and there. We weren't together yet at the time. 

Then, sometime around 2008, I saw him standing outside my house dressed in plaid. I remember laughing, punching him in the arm as I reached his side. 

"You're not wearing black. I wasn't informed that today's groundhog day." I teased him and he smiled at me widely, his brown eyes shining bright.

"Plaids are not that bad..." he muttered. I crossed my arms over my chest, raising my eyebrows. "Really, now? What the heck is going on?" 

And just like that, he grinned even wider. "I want you to watch something." he simply said and I could feel his giddiness. He held my hand and we were silent all the way to his house. Hastily, he set up his computer and loaded up Youtube. 

"Is this some disgusting viral video like the one you sent me last night? Because Dan I swear to..." I started but he shushed me. Yes. Dan Howell freaking shushed me. 

That's when I saw what he was up to. We were at Phil's channel and even back then, he had thousands of subscribers already. Wow! Dan and I spent the entire afternoon watching Phil's videos and I remember seeing something in Dan that day that made my heart melt. He was looking at Phil like he never looked at anyone, even me. 

Dan and I talked about Phil almost every single day. Him being Phil Trash No. 1? Nope. Not an exaggeration at all. 

We had often talked about our dreams. He told me that he wanted to be somebody. Someone who would change people's lives or just someone who would make a mark in this crazy world. And with him, it feels like there was always something missing. I didn't mean that in a bad way. It's just that he has always yearned for something---not a relationship but a connection. Something that was beyond explanation or human comprehension. And I was the same too. I thought that when I found Dan then I achieved that goal. I found the one.

It's just that at that moment I knew that I wouldn't be as connected to him as Phil. Even then I just knew. He loved me, I knew that. I felt it every single day within the three years that we were together. But as we watched Phil that day, I knew that their paths would intersect. It had to. 

"Hey Dan! Phil replies to some of the comments." I told him one day. 

"So?" He asked me, obviously knowing where I was heading at. He looked at me like the thought was pathetic. 

"You know you want to." I teased, nudging him with my laptop. He stared at me as if I was crazy and I kissed him on the lips briefly for some encouragement. That did it. That's when the shitstorm that is Dannyboy the Fanboy started happening. 

May 2009, Dan signed up to Twitter. I teased him so hard every single time Phil tweets because he panicked like crazy, thinking of the most witty thing to say. 

"Jeez Dan! With the amount of replies he's getting, you don't have a freaking chance." I told him jokingly. He pouted, throwing a pillow over at my direction. I leaned on his shoulder while squeezing his hand for support. "You know I'm kidding right? Just say what's at the top of your head and one day I'm sure he'll notice. Trust me on this." 

He looked at me, his eyes sad. "Nah. This is crazy." 

I met his eyes and caressed his cheek. "No, it's not. Just go for it, okay?" 

Good thing he did. 

June 2, 2009--a few days before Dan's birthday--Phil replied. They got on so well that on the same day, they decided to talk to each other on Skype. Dan was so thrilled. I remember how his face lit up that day, his fingers trembling in excitement. 

I remembered crying. Dan asked me why and I just said I was happy for him. I wasn't lying but that wasn't the only reason. I just felt that we were starting to slip away--not because of Youtube, Phil, or anything. 

It was because of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent the entire day researching and trying to look for 2009 info to make this as accurate as possible. Haha. So much... Just so much...


	5. Skype

"He wants to meet you." Dan told me. 

"Why?" I asked him, my eyes not leaving the screen as I played Crash Bandicoot. He paused the game using the other controller. "Dan! So rude!!!" I exclaimed, facing him. 

"Say yes. Please. I've told him so much about you and he's... He's... I found my bestfriend, (OC/n)! We just have so much in common and he's just... Just talk to him. Right now, you two are the most important people in my life." Dan said in his almost whiny voice. I rolled my eyes. 

"Please?" he insisted, looking deep into my eyes in a way that he knew I couldn't resist. He kissed me, too. Oh, the desperation. 

"Fine! It's just that it's your thing, you know. I don't wanna intrude." I told him in all seriousness. 

"You won't. It'll be perfect." Dan replied, brushing a loose strand of my hair off my face. 

***  
"Hey. Hello! You must be (OC/n)." I remember Phil greeting me, his blue eyes just as beautiful as anyone could have imagined. And this was just through the screen of Dan's crappy laptop! I waved back, shyly and Dan started talking about our relationship with Phil. We talked for hours about a lot of things and Phil listened earnestly, making remarks and asking questions and was just being really lovely and it got to point where I just sat there, watching the two of them interact. Dan was grinning ear to ear and Phil was smiling beautifully with his tongue slightly peeking out and I felt something inside me break. 

"Hey guys! Jeez. I'm so dead! I forgot that I was supposed to help my mum with something and..." I looked at both of them, hoping that they would buy my excuse. Dan looked at me sadly and Phil said, "Awwww... Don't go." 

"So sorry! I really wanted to stay and Phil... You are just amazing... No pun intended." I joked, feeling my chest constricting even more. 

Phil laughed. "Just join us again next time. Please?" he said. I nodded, blowing a kiss towards the screen.

Dan stood up, told Phil that he will just take me to the door and kissed me goodbye. As I walked away, I felt my heart breaking with every single step. I felt so alone. 

I wasn't angry at Phil or at Dan or anyone. I just thought that when I found Dan, the universe had finally given me someone. And seeing him and Phil, I felt like they could achieve great things together and destiny played a hand at them meeting. They are living fanfiction on their own, for crying out loud! All I could think about at the time was that "where did that leave me?"

I could feel the tears rushing on and on and on...

***  
"(OC/n)? Hey wake up! Are you okay?" I heard my cousin say, shaking my shoulders slightly. "It's almost 3PM and we still have to get ready for TATINOF, remember?" 

I stared at her and I felt like choking. Today was the day. I was gonna see him. Him and Phil. And the same pained feeling I had once so long ago was back. I collapsed back to bed and I think my cousin was asking me what was wrong but her voice faded into this void of emotions I was having. 

Am I ready? Should I go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Should our character go?


	6. Drop Us Off At Starbucks, I said

Today's the day. I decided to go. 

I don't need to get a photo with him. I just needed to see him again-- see him not performing on stage but being himself and greeting these people who supported him with that beautiful smile of his. Yes. That was enough. 

I wore a black shirt over black jogger pants and slipped on my black Converse ("Can't you wear something with colour?" protested my mum), did my makeup as I usually do (mascara and a purple-ish balm stain) and tried my best to keep my shoulder-length hair in control. My dad has curly hair and my mum has straight hair so I ended up getting unruly, sometimes-curly-sometimes-straight locks. It wasn't the pretty kind of waves either. Looking at myself in the mirror, I sighed. I wonder why Dan fell in love with me before. He was really out of my league. 

I tried to cover up my pimple scars with a concealer and gave my cheeks a pinch. Yep. This is it. My uncle dropped me and my cousin near the venue a couple of hours earlier and we decided to head on to Starbucks.

"What'll you get?" my cousin asked and I tried on a smile. 

"Hmmm... I need something cold and sweet to high me up on sugar so... Strawberry Frappe?" I told her and she nodded. 

I grabbed my phone from my bag and listened to some music to keep my mind occupied and relaxed as I wait for my cousin. 

I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance played. Seriously?!? 

I looked out the window, the rain drizzling the streets and moistening up the glass. I drew a sad face. 

This reminded me of the day when Dan and I lied on my bed, MCR playing loudly within the confines of my room. He was singing the words to my ear as I rested my head on his chest and we were content. I felt so happy that day. I felt like I finally know what it feels like to belong to someone. Not just in a romantic way but in a way that I know I don't have to keep my thoughts and my feelings to myself anymore because Dan not only understands me but supports me. 

That was a good day. 

I snapped out of my reverie when I felt someone tap my shoulder. Good. My cousin is back. Yay frappeeeee!!!!

I turned and I almost dropped my phone in surprise. Taking off my earphones with trembling hands, I felt my heart suddenly pounding rapidly against my chest that I felt like vomiting. 

In front of me, with gentle blue eyes suddenly turning to worry, is Phil Lester.


	7. Don't

Phil Lester: (OC/n), Dan just called me. What happened?  
1:57PM

Phil Lester: (OC/n) please. Dan wouldn't stop crying. He said you won't return his calls.   
2:06PM

Phil Lester: (OC/n) Dan's devastated. We don't know each other well but we both care about Dan and he's in a really, really bad place right now. Please (OC/n).   
4:12PM

(OC/username): Phil, I explained myself to Dan already. I can't be with him anymore.   
4:30PM

Phil Lester: He loves you.  
4:30PM

(OC/username): I know. It's just... It's complicated. We're going to different colleges. Everything's going to be different.   
4:31PM

Phil Lester: You guys can make it work.   
4:32PM

(OC/username): I can't...   
5:03PM

(OC/username): Phil, please promise me something.   
5:03PM

Phil Lester: ???   
5:04PM

(OC/username): Take care of him.   
5:06PM

Phil Lester: Please change your mind.   
5:06PM

(OC/username): Phil please... Promise me you will never leave him.   
5:11PM

(OC/username): Phil?   
5:27PM

Phil Lester: Yes. I promise.   
5:31PM

***  
"(OC/n)? Are you alright?" I heard Phil ask, my cousin hovering gleefully beside him. 

"Phil! Oh my gosh. Ermmm... What... I didn't expect..." I stuttered, my eyes still wide, my knees and hands trembling violently. Oh shit. 

"(OC/n) didn't tell me you know her. We're both huge fans!!!" My cousin squeaked, tugging at Phil's arm, almost spilling his coffee. "Selfie?" 

"Of course." Phil replied, his eyes still trained on me. I averted my eyes from him, trying to keep my shaking at bay. After the selfie, he turned his attention back to me. 

"Are you here to watch the show?" He asked me and I simply nodded without meeting his eyes. 

"Dan's got us a table upstai... Dan! Does he know you're here?" Phil's excitement turned to uncertainty in an instant. 

"Don't! Please don't tell him..." I muttered, my words interrupted by Phil's ringtone. 

"It's Dan." he said, just loud enough for the two of us to hear. My cousin seemed to have caught on with the tension and thankfully, that took over her fangirling. 

"He's probably wondering what's taking you so long." I replied along with a fake laugh. My eyes stung, my heart heavy. "He never did like waiting." 

"I..." Phil started but I shook my head. 

"Is he doing okay? I mean..." I smacked my forehead dramatically. "Of course he is. You guys... Congratulations." 

Phil was studying me, his eyes flickering from my face to his ringing phone and back again. "Talk to him." 

"Not before your show. Not ever. I..." I felt like choking. "I need to go." I cried, tears rushing down my cheeks as I ran out, not knowing where to go. I could feel everything spinning. 

"OC/n!" I heard my cousin shout, catching up to me. "What happened there?" 

I wanted to explain but my sobs were drowning me. I was having difficulty breathing. My cousin took out her water bottle and handed it to me, her fingers brushing away my disheveled hair. "We can not go. I mean I just spent my entire savings for the tickets but..." she joked, her eyes still filled with concern. 

I smiled, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. "I'm sorry... How was the selfie?" 

"No! You don't get to see the selfie until you tell me what the f*ck was that about! Dan and Phil know you?! What the f*ck?!?" She exclaimed. I nodded and started to tell her what happened. When I was done, my cousin was crying. 

"You're so stupid... But I get why you did it. Well... Not really... but if you don't wanna go anymore then that'll be okay." 

I shook my head. "I'll be fine." 

"Sure?" 

"Yes." 

My cousin studied me. She took out her phone and I thought she was going to show me her selfie with Phil. Instead, she opened her contacts. "Phil gave me his number. He wanted you to call him after the show."


	8. TATINOF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was cut-off due to an error so you might want to go back to that before you read this one. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't been to TATINOF because I live on the other side of the world so sorry if some info about the event was inaccurate. I tried to research by watching vlogs of people who went (which is painful tbh) so yep. Enjoy! :)

"Delete his number right now." I told my cousin. 

"I won't stalk him!" My cousin whined. 

"No." I firmly replied. I know Phil must really want me to talk to Dan to give away his number like that but even if I know I could trust my cousin, this simply isn't right. 

My cousin pouted and showed me her phone as she deleted the number. "I hate you." 

I gave her a weak smile. "I know." 

My cousin gave me look before tugging on my sleeve. "Are you sure you're okay?" 

"What kind of question is that? Of course I'm not! But... I just... I just want to see him." I muttered, taking out the black baseball cap I tucked inside my bag earlier today. I gave my hair a little shake before wearing the cap. 

"You came prepared." My cousin mused and I simply nodded. "So... Are you gonna call Phil after the show?" she asked. 

Of course I got Phil's number before asking my cousin to delete it. I'll be crazy not to! I'd be lying to myself if I say that I didn't consider it. Not that it dominates the rational side of me but still...

I opened a new blank message. 

_Phil, this is (OC/n). I'm sorry I ran out on you earlier. Please don't tell Dan. Please, please, please. I'll be with my cousin during the meet and greet but I won't come near you. Just pretend nothing happened earlier. I know I could count on you._

SENT. 

A few seconds later, I received a reply. 

_You know I'm really bad at lying!!! Can you just think about it? We have a few minutes to spare before the after-party so call me plz!_

I sigh. I have the entire meet and greet plus the show to think about this. I think when the time to decide comes, I'll know what to do. I chose not to reply and just dragged my cousin near the venue. People are piling up towards the entrance, cat whiskers just everywhere. Flashing up the LED screen above us was Dan and Phil's smiling faces, the words "The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire" flashing brightly. Despite the heavy feeling I have in my chest, I feel elated. 

The gates opened and everyone rushed in. It was an organised chaos, full of cheers and smiling faces. _This is it, Dan._ I thought to myself. _This is your dream coming true._

I stood in one corner as the staff of the event briefed everyone about the meet and greet. My cousin asked me one last time if I was sure to just stay in the sidelines and I said yes. Finally, I heard the screams, which meant one thing. 

Dan and Phil had entered the room. 

There he was, standing on the other side of the room, a huge smile in his face. Phil was on his side and they waved, causing the room to resonate with squeals and cheers. I saw some people crying, bouncing on their feet excitedly, giggling and taking photos but all it took was one more look at him and I felt my heart pounding loudly in my chest, my eyes starting to sting. I lowered the cap that I was wearing to cover my eyes. Not that he would notice me with the huge crowd in front of him. 

I watched him, his every movement so familiar yet distant. He was still the same Dan and yet I'm not sure if that feels that way because he was once mine or because even after we're over, I still stayed and watch his life unfold even though it was just through a screen. 

Moments later, my cousin rushed to me with a huge grin on her face. "Lookit! Lookit! Lookit!" she kept on saying and she literally shoved her phone to my face (which hit my glasses btw, ugh) and I saw her photo with Dan and Phil. 

"Dan said I looked like someone he knew. Good thing he didn't notice the look Phil gave me." She told me. 

"That's weird. We look nothing alike." I told her and she shrugged. 

Everything felt like a blur after that. The crowds singing along to Dan and Phil's tour playlist, the stage lighting up completely and the show--the show was just breathtaking. 

I felt like I was watching everything through a thick glass wall, everyone actively participating and laughing and I was just there trying to hold myself together. At every act, I could feel my eyes welling with tears that I felt stupid. When it ended, I felt my anxiety building up. 

This is it. The end of the show. The moment I have to decide whether or not I should call Phil. 

I decided against it. No. I shouldn't, right? 

I made up my mind. 

"So?" My cousin asked. 

"I can't do it. Let's... Let's go." I simply said, my voice cracking. My cousin looked at me sadly. 

As we made our way out of the hall where a lot of people waited for Dan and Phil to go outside post-event, I felt my phone vibrate against my pocket. 

Phil. 

_(OC/n) Answer the call please._

As soon as I read the message, Phil's name reflected on my screen, calling. 

I bit my lip, my finger trembling against the Answer button. 

"Phil, I really can't..." I started but Phil was practically squealing. 

"(OC/n) listen to me, listen to me, listen to me! I think Dan saw you!" He said rapidly, the tension in his voice evident.


	9. A Mistake

"What?!" I exclaimed, almost dropping my phone. I steered towards a corner to somehow lessen the screams resonating against the hall. "How... What the..."

"Well... He's not exactly sure but he was jumpy after the meet and greet and after we got of the stage I asked him why he seemed... well... nervous and he said he saw this girl who looks at lot like you and I'm bad at lying! I can't lie to Dan!" Phil replied, freaking out. 

"It must be another girl." I told him, my hands shaking. 

"Were you wearing a cap?" Phil asked, his voice two octaved higher than usual. 

"Oh shit." I snapped and I heard Phil groan. "I wasn't the only one wearing a cap... maybe. And wearing black." 

"But you're the only one who looks like you!!!" Phil whined. 

"I didn't want him to notice me!" I quipped back. 

"And you think wearing black was the way to go? This is Dan, remember?" Phil cried. Ugh. The Sass Master from Manchester. 

"Well, it could be someone else." I tried to assure him... and well, myself. 

"He even got the glasses right! (OC/n) I can't do this!" Phil told me, his voice as panicky as I am. 

I stomped my feet. "Phil please. It'll pass. Just... please." 

"But..." Phil started but Dan's voice suddenly echoed in the background. 

"Phil. Are you all set?" I heard him say, his voice sending shivers up my spine. "Who are you talking to?"

"Erm..." Phil replied and I found myself listening to an end call beep. 

"I'm screwed, I'm screwed, I'm screwed!" I kept on cussing. 

"What?" My cousin asked. 

I breathed in and gritted my teeth. "Nothing. Let's freaking leave already." 

As I walked away, I could hear the people cheering as Dan and Phil gave a final wave. He would forget, I told myself over and over as I let the distance between us grow bigger. Only to realise that that was also what I kept on telling myself for the past few years.


	10. That Photo of Us

I've been staring at Phil's number for weeks. 

Yes. I haven't heard from him since TATINOF. Everything seemed to be in place though. Their liveshows after the tour were normal, nothing iffy about the way the talk or interact so I think everything's been buried in the past again. 

I lay down my bed having the sudden urge to browse through old photos. I don't know why I transferred these to my phone but it's just something nice to look at whenever I want to relive _those_ days. 

There it is. Our photo in front of the Eiffel Tower. 

Dan and I were standing with our backs to the camera, our hands joined together. I can't remember if it was his mum or Adrian who took the photo but all I could think of was the sound of the busy Parisian streets, the night lights, the cold breeze and the warmth of Dan's hands. I can't help but think that he still remembers that moment too considering that that was what he decided to draw in his "Draw My Life" video. 

A lot of things happened in Paris. It's just too unbearable to recall them all right now. 

I turned to the next photo and I saw the two of us kissing, our faces all giggly. This was a selfie even before selfies were even a thing and I remembered how many times we tried to get this photo right because it was hard to do using the back camera of my old phone. 

A tear fell. Oh shit. 

I wiped it harshly, shaking my head. No. No crying. 

Christmas is coming and all I could think of is how heavy I feel. What is Christmas even? Why is it that when you grow up, the things you want couldn't be just as easy as when you were a child? This is my anxiety speaking. I tried to calm down but to no avail. 

I grabbed my headphones and figured that maybe some music could help. 

I Don't Love You by My Chemical Romance played. What the actual f*ck. 

Throwing my headphones across the room, I sighed. Suddenly, my phone rang. 

Phil. 

"Hello?" I muttered, unsure. 

"Hey (OC/n). Ermmm... Happy Holidays!" Phil greeted, his voice as nervous as me. 

"I don't feel very festive-y but Happy Holidays too. I saw your tweet. Going back to the North." I replied, trying to lighten the mood. 

Phil chuckled. "Yep! Quite excited! Erm... (OC/n) I called because... Well... Dan..." 

"Yes?" 

"He's still not over the girl he saw during the tour. It was hard! Like everytime we do a liveshow, he's always in deep thought and when I asked him once he told me that he was wondering whether that girl who looks like you watched the liveshow. He was thinking that maybe it was you and maybe you watched his videos all this time and... (OC/n)!!! It's really hard!!!" Phil recounted and I bit my lip. What have I done? Why do I have to show up? That was stupid! 

"I'm so sorry." Was all I managed to say. 

"It's okay. I just wanted to know why you didn't want to talk to him. I mean after all these years I think he still doesn't know why you wanted to end what you guys had." Phil told me, the usual cheery tone of his voice lost. I could feel how concerned he was for Dan and I felt so bad if that was still the case. 

"I explained everything to him." I replied. 

"I don't want you to feel bad, okay? It's just that... Well... Didn't you notice that he sometimes mentions you in his videos? Draw My Life... Envy..." Phil asked. 

I slumped back to bed. "He had girlfriends before me." 

"He was talking about you." Phil assured me. 

"That sneaky little shit." I muttered, faking a laugh. 

Phil sighed. I could hear the people on the train on his side of the line but he was silent. After what seemed like eternity, he replied. "(OC/n)." 

"Yeah?" 

"Just talk to him. Like a final talk or something. I've been with Dan for 6 years now and I know he still wonders about what happened to the both of you. Please?" He asked one more time. 

I took a deep breath, feeling the air thicken around me. Suddenly, a tear came. Then another. I muffled my sobs with my hand so that Phil won't hear. 

"I... I don't want to ruin everything." I said, my voice cracking. 

"Oh (OC/n)! Don't cry! Oh I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" 

I shook my head as if he could see me. "No... I'm okay... I... I'll talk to Dan. But I just need time to prepare. Okay? Will you help me?" 

I don't know why but I felt that Phil was nodding on the other line. "Yes! Yes I will... I'm sorry (OC/n)! I didn't want you to cry!" 

Despite all that, I laughed. Phil sounds so adorable. "Fine. Let's set it up, you walking ray of sunshine."


	11. Video Games and Present Things

"Hey (OC/n). I'm sorry, okay?" 

I rolled my eyes. "What the hell Dan! I get it if you're busy or something but Skyrim? Really? You're not replying to my texts because you're too busy playing Skyrim?" 

"I was in the zone." He groaned. 

"Oh please! This is coming from a guy who interrupted my Crash Bandicoot game because he wanted to make out!" I spat at him, gritting my teeth. 

I was expecting that he will dramatically try and give a majestic argument but he just laughed. Those f*cking dimples surfacing as he laughed heartily made my heart flutter--as usual. Still, I tried to keep a straight, crossing my arms against my chest. What was he on about?

He stopped, a ghost of a smile still visible on his lips and just looked me straight in the eyes. "Don't act like pausing your game didn't lead to something mutually beneficial." 

And just like that, my feelings betrayed me and a grin spread across my face. "I. FREAKING. HATE. YOU. DANIEL. JAMES. HOWELL." I said, hitting him on the arm at every word. He grabbed me on the waist and kissed me on the forehead as I did. 

"I love you too." 

***  
My phone beeped. Thanks phone for this amazing interruption. I was reminiscing like crazy here! 

An Instagram notif. 

"What the actual f--?!?" I exclaimed, unable to keep my thoughts on silent. Dan just posted a selfie with Colin, their new family dog, and his hair in its natural curly state. "This guy, I swear..." 

I just stared at his photo, brushing my fingers over the screen. "Why do I have to love you like this?" 

At the back of my mind, his voice echoed. _Did I do something wrong (OC/n)? Why... Why are you saying these things?_

"I f*cking hate myself." I whispered, my tears falling over his smiling image.


	12. Jealousy

_Some people say that two people who easily get jealous should not be in a relationship._

_What can I say... Dan and I are rebels._

_The thing with us is that we don't let a lot of people in our lives and when we do, we tend to be possessive. Is that bad? I remember that there were numerous fights between us involving jealousy, from the most silly things to really serious ones._

_There was a time when I saw a girl trying to flirt with Dan, and being the awkward peanut that he is, I'm not even sure if he knew she was flirting. He just stood there, trying to get in the flow of whatever she was trying to say until I came along._

_"Hey babe!" I greeted, the most plastic smile on my face. He looked at me, amused. We hated terms of endearment. We found it funny and a bit petty and that would explain his expression. I was sure he was biting his lip so that he wouldn't laugh. "Oops. Sorry. I'll just wait for you over there, okay?"_

_What? I could be bitchy if I want to. Well, maybe that wasn't really... But whatever. As soon as the girl went away, Dan ran after me and I just rolled my eyes at him._

_But his jealous moment was much more worse than mine._

_I'm no head-turner. I'm ordinary af. To this day, I believe that Dan only fell for me because he was as dorky as I am and he's not lying when he said that most people who knew him found him weird. That's why I find his bursts of jealousy amusing._

_One time, a guy came up to me to ask if I could be a respondent for this study he was doing. I was just sitting there with nothing to do and as much as I want to pretend that I'm busy, I wouldn't really be convincing._

_The guy was friendly, explaining what I needed to do in full detail. I was cringing internally because he was awfully near and yet I don't really know how to ask him to step away. That's when Dan arrived._

_He was making his way to where I was seated when I saw him stop, make a face, and just stayed there. I waved at him, making the guy who was with me turn. Dan's expression changed to confusion and as I called him over, he still had the same pouty and confused expression had._

_He was silent the entire time and when the guy left, I raised my eyebrows at him. "What?"_

_No reply._

_"Dan, I don't even know him." I said._

_Still no reply._

_"He just asked for help." I said again._

_He looked at me almost viciously. "Didn't know you were friendly."_

_"Dan! He just... Seriously?" I exclaimed._

_"He likes you, I can tell." He replied._

_"So you're psychic now?"_

_"No! Because he looks at you like how I look at you!" He spat out, his eyes brimmed red._

_I reached for him, my fingers brushing over his cheeks. "No one looks at me like you do. I know. Because no one even pays attention and cares for me like you do."_

_He just looked at me, his brown eyes to mine and I thought to myself that I don't deserve to be looked at like this and yet Dan made me feel like I do._

***  
I stared out the window, my heart pounding loudly against my chest. Phil told me that he will return to London a few days before Dan and he wanted to meet up and plan out everything. 

I agreed.


	13. Four Words

I was never a "hot coffee" type of person. 

Sipping on some Iced Chestnut Flavoured Espresso drink, I looked out the drizzling London weather, waiting for Phil. I don't really have a clue as to what I would say or what would happen but all I could hope for is that I keep my emotions down. I'm not usually like this. I could be cold and stoic and just heartless when it comes to things that I find petty or unnecessary... But this? 

This was a part of me that felt ruined and lost. 

My eyes found a sweep of black hair and a hint of galaxian shades amidst the darkness of the street. 

Phil. 

"Hey!" I greeted him as he entered and went directly to me, giving me a bashful smile.

"Hey!" he replied, drying himself with the wad of tissues I handed him. "I know I should've brought an umbrella!" 

I laughed. "Sit down. I'll get you a drink." 

Of course I got Phil some coffee to warm him up. When I came back with his order, he took a sip eagerly. 

"Ahhh... Warm and fuzzy." He muttered. He checked out my drink and raised his eyebrows at me. "Doesn't that make you cold?" 

I shook my head. "Never did like hot coffee." 

Phil smiled. "So... How have you been? Last we talked... You know." 

I took another sip before replying. "I still don't know. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately--about the situation. Something I haven't done in years." 

"I thought you watch Dan's videos?" Phil asked. 

"I watch both of your videos." I corrected him. "And it may sound weird but no. All those years, I prevented myself to think about all of this. All the time I just felt happy for him. For both of you. And then it just happened." 

Phil was studying me, his blue eyes gentle yet questioning. I gave him a sad smile and sipped on my drink again. 

"What about the tour? Did you think about talking to him?" he simply asked. 

I shook my head. "I just wanted to see him. I didn't want to mess things up. Bad move, huh?" 

"Don't think like that." Phil said, reaching out to touch my hand and stopped midway. He took back his hand and we both gave a soft laugh. "I actually wanted to say sorry. I feel like I'm pressuring you or something."

"You know what? Thanks. You actually got me thinking. I just wanted to keep on running and running and..." I was gripping my drink a little bit tightly now, biting my lips to hold back the shaking of my fingers. 

"Please don't cry." Phil mused, his hands to his mouth, his expression sad. 

I gave off another fake laugh, wiping the tears in my eyes. "Sorry." 

"I just think it'll be best for you and Dan. He... He sort of told me his side and I don't think he's already over it." Phil admitted, looking straight at me. "And I think you're the same too." 

"Has he ever been..." My question hung in the air. Phil just stared at me as if he missed what I was trying to say. "I mean... Has he dated... You know? Or like you guys... You know... I shouldn't really ask but.... Well... The rumours..." 

To my surprise, Phil laughed. Laughed as in that tongue peeking laugh the Phandom knows him for. "What? No!" he replied, still laughing. "No to all your questions." 

With that, I joined him. "Just had to be asked. Sorry. I mean, I ship you too, if you must know." I was only partially kidding when I said that. Still, we kept on laughing. 

"But you know, after all these years, he still crosses out your birthday with a red Sharpie on our calendar. He thinks I don't know." he said, making me raise my eyebrows. 

"What were his excuses?" I asked, amused. 

"Amazon delivery, some obligatory call to his mum... One time, it was Flatmate Appreciation Day." Phil recalled, grinning. 

"That nerd." I replied, smiling. 

"Erm... (OC/n)? I know that we didn't really know each other that much before but Dan told me things and I just... I mean..." Phil stuttered, his cheeks turning to pink. 

"You want to know what really happened?" I asked him. He didn't meet my eyes. 

I took a deep breath and sighed. Memories of that September night flashed in my mind, the biting coldness of the wind suddenly ten times against my fingertips. Dan's last four words echoed in my ears...

_Please don't walk away._


	14. More Behind 2009

I took a deep breath, looked Phil in the eye and clenched my fingers together. 

"Dan and I both took a gap year, still unsure as to what we wanted to do or where our life was headed. The thing is, my parents found this very disturbing. They hold me in a high pedestal, ashamed to say that their supposedly trophy daughter was, to simply put it, lost. 

I felt like they truly do not know me. No one does. Because everytime I open my mouth, it was like everyone expects that only the right thing has to come out. Dan was the only person who understood all my struggles. 

My anxiety was taken as laziness and escapism and I cried about how useless I felt. Dan was my only source of comfort at the time. He assured me that life would work out and he will always be with me. 

One day I found out that he got accepted at uni. I'm not sure if he's already told you this but it wasn't laziness that caused him to be late for the accomodation reservations. It was because he was hesitant to leave me at such a low state. I kept on assuring him that I was gonna be okay, that I'm already okay but he just wouldn't buy it. He knows me all too well." I paused, unable to find the right words to continue. I sighed, thinking that Phil would understand. 

"Then you came." I breathed, averting my eyes from him. "And suddenly, Dan was okay. He knew what he really wanted when he met you. He wanted to follow his dreams. And yet, I felt like I was dead weight. 

I have to admit that at first I felt betrayed. I'm not blaming you or him, okay? I blamed myself. It's just that I thought me and Dan... I just..." I was struggling not to cry. 

"I saw you and him and it made sense. It wasn't me. I don't know if you understand me completely but it's just that... you know how rare that is? To find that perfect person for you? Not necessarily in a romantic sense but the one that's just 'right'?" 

There was silence. I couldn't meet Phil's eyes but I could feel his apologetic look boring right through me. With my voice cracking, I gathered the strength to continue. 

"That's when I knew what I had to do. He was gonna be okay. I was sure at that time because you were already in his life. I don't know if you still remember but I broke up with him around September." I muttered. 

"I remember." was all Phil said. 

"It was the most painful thing I've ever done." I whispered, trying to hide my tears. 

Phil reached out to me, now without hesitation. His hand landed on my arm and he gave me a soft squeeze. 

"It was the most painful thing that happened to Dan, too. He cried almost every single time we talked to each other at that time... (OC/n), I'm sorry." 

I looked up at him, his blue eyes looking at me intently. "No! Phil... I... don't apologise. I actually wanted to thank you. For everything you've done for and with him." 

He shook his head. "I did it because Dan's my friend. And even if we didn't have a chance to fully get to know each other before, I also considered you my friend because I knew that Dan loved you. I hope you know that." 

I wiped away my tears and gave him a small smile. "Thank you. And yes. I know that." 

"Wait here." Phil said, jumping off his seat and surprising me. He comes back with a giant chocolate and macadamia cookie. 

"Don't cry anymore!" He told me, smiling. "Erm... would you like me to talk to Dan first before you meet up with him?" 

"I still don't know." I replied, wiping my tears agan before taking a bite on the cookie. 

"Well, he'll be back in two days so..." Phil announced, showing me Dan's latest text message. 

I sighed. "How do you think we should do it?"


	15. Not Like This

I was looking through the familiar sight of Dan's bedroom, the vantage point similar to whenever he has one of his liveshows. Phil was busily fumbling through Dan's laptop, asking me if Skype was working properly on my end. 

"You okay?" Phil asked through the screen. 

I breathed out. "I don't know. I'm nervous as heck!!!" 

Phil laughed softly. "He's in a perfectly good mood. Don't worry." 

"Well... That could change easily, you know. Oh my gosh! I can't... Phil!!! I'm shaking. See? See?" I tried showing him my hands through the webcam. "Arghhhh!"

"Shhh... He's here. Just let me do the intro..." Phil told me, half-closing the lid of Dan's laptop. 

"Phil? Phil, where are you?" I heard Dan's voice from my headphones. 

"Here in your room." I heard Phil reply. Oh shit. 

From the half-closed screen, I could see Dan's black jeans as he entered the room. 

"What are you doing here? What are you doing with my laptop?" He exclaimed, dramatically of course. I saw him walking nearer when Phil blocked his way. 

"Wait! Dan..." Phil started but Dan started chuckling. 

"What are you on about?" He said, walking past Phil. My heart raced. 

I took a deep breath and after what seemed like a lifetime, I was looking at Dan. His expression flickered from a smiling curiousity to confusion. 

"Phil, what's going on?" Dan said, his voice barely a whisper, his eyes never leaving mine. 

"I... I'll leave you to talk." Phil said, awkwardly swaying by the door. He looked past Dan and right at me before completely leaving. 

Dan turned to when Phil closed the door behind him and he hesitated, probably thinking whether or not he should chase after Phil. 

He just sat there, his head hanging low, not facing me. Seconds passed... then minutes. 

I just watched him, the side of his face unreadable, his hands balled into fists. 

"Dan..." I called, my voice cracking. 

I saw him close his eyes as if collecting his thoughts. Then finally, he looked at me. 

"What's going on?" He breathed and I saw his eyes brimming red. 

"Dan... I... I just wanted..." I started to say but unable to finish. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I tried picturing this moment after that talk I had with Phil but it was always a dead end. I thought that once the moment presents itself, I would know what to say. 

But nothing came. 

"No." I heard Dan say. 

"Wha..." I started to ask but he cut me off.

"If we're going to do this, we're doing it my way." he continued. 

"I don't understand." was all I managed to say. 

"Six years I've never heard from you and I'm not gonna settle for a simple Skype call." he told me, his tone grave. "Face-to-face. I'll let Phil text you.. assuming you're both friendly." 

He spat the last word and ended the video call.


	16. Unclosed Chapters and Thin Walls

Phil called me the morning after, telling me that Dan spent the entire night playing Mario Kart. I was so worried, thinking that they fought about what happened but Phil told me that they already talked and somehow, Dan understood why he did what he did. 

That made me feel better. 

According to Phil, Dan wanted to know if I prefer to talk to him at my place or theirs. I told Phil I'd rather go to them. He gave me all their free days and told me that Dan said I could drop by anytime. 

I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. Today's the day. I texted Phil and he told me it was okay. 

I chose a plain grey shirt and some dark jeans. I grabbed my black wedges, my bag and my jacket and headed out. 

I decided to walk all the way to Dan and Phil's flat to give myself time to think. Every step, I was trying to think of what Dan would say but all I could feel was the trembling of my hands and the pounding of my chest. 

"I can do this." I muttered as I found myself in front of their apartment door. I took a deep breath and knocked. 

A few moments later, I was face to face with Dan. 

His hair was slightly rumpled, his Yeezus shirt and dark shorts an image of entire casualty. He took one look at me and gave a slight nod, signaling me to enter.

I was trailing behind him, thinking how much has changed. His body seemed a lot more defined than before, his shoulders and back broader. I bit my lip to supress a sigh. 

We entered the lounge and Phil turned, expression turning from startled to awkwardness. 

"I'll be in my room." he simply said and left, giving me a small smile before completely disappearing into the hallway. 

I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room and Dan turned to face me, not meeting my eyes. 

"You can sit there." he said, gesturing towards the couch. I did as I was told. 

He sat on his crease, his fingers laced together same as mine. We sat in silence, listening to each other's breathing. 

I gathered up all my courage to start the conversation. 

"Dan... I didn't mean to just appear in your life after all these years. I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to... It was an accident..." I mumbled, words pouring out of my mouth like a waterfall. 

"So... How have you been?" He simply asked, still not looking at me. I can't help but show my surprise. 

"I... Erm... What?" I asked back, my mind buzzing. What the heck? 

"What have you been up to?" he replied. 

"I... I just got off uni. Working here and there... but... still... I don't know." I tried on a fake chuckle. It sounded like a whimper. 

"Oh." 

I looked at him, my eyes drinking in everything that I was seeing. It was strange to see him this close, no laptop or tablet screens between us. His hands no longer look like the hands I used to hold. I averted my eyes. It was too much. 

"Did you see us on tour?" I heard him say. 

"Yes. I was with my cousin." I replied. 

With that, he lifted his head and looked at me. His brown eyes pierced through me and I tried so hard not to waver. I just stared at my hands and saw my fingers trembling.

"(OC/n), I... I'm not angry." he muttered and I looked up at him to meet his soft expression. "We're older now. I understand, okay?"

"You do?" Did Phil tell him, I wonder? 

To my surprise, Dan smiled. It wasn't a happy smile though. "We were young then. We both have to go to uni. It wasn't really..." 

"...the right time for a committed relationship." I continued, quoting his Draw My Life video. So Phil hasn't told him anything. That's good. I knew I could trust Phil. Him knowing the real reason why I left would just complicate things. 

"Phil told me you watch our videos." he said, as if what I did just confirmed it. I simply nodded. 

"I wasn't really sure I wanted to talk to you like this. I was just caught off guard with that video call thing you and Phil set up and I don't know... Sorry, I guess." he said, his eyes away from me again. 

"Okay." was all I managed to say. 

Again, everything was silent. 

He's happy, successful and... moved on. At least now that we've got all of this settled, everything will go back to how it was. That's good, right? 

"Dan... I... I'm really sorry. For everything." I said, my voice on the brink of cracking. "And you're right. We've grown up. I'm really happy for you and Phil. I'm happy that your dreams came true and more things await."

I smiled at him, hoping that I'm convincing enough. "I'm sorry for all the mix up and the crazy shitstorm I've caused."

He smiled back at me, though it's not reaching his eyes. "I'm sorry if you thought I was angry."

"You have always been a drama queen tbh." I replied, holding my smile. "I... Is it okay if I go now?" 

His eyes flickered, somehow confused. "Oh... yeah... yeah..."

I stood up and he was about to follow when I shook my head. "No need. I can find my way out.  Just tell Phil I said goodbye."

Without waiting for his reply, I left as fast as I could, holding back my tears until I got out. My breathing was heavy, my hands were cold. 

Later that night, I received a text from Phil. 

_How did it go?_

I raised my eyebrows and replied. _Didn't you talk to Dan after I left?_

_He went straight to his room after, I think. Haven't come out since._

I didn't know what to reply. I just stared at Phil's message. Then, another text came in. 

_Is everything okay?_

_He wasn't angry at me. I started to explain but all he wanted to know was how I've been these past couple of years and if I've seen you on tour. It was just like closure or something. A proper one, I think. I told him I was happy for both of you._ I replied. 

Minutes passed and Phil still hasn't replied. I was about to put my phone away and lie down to be alone with my thoughts when I heard a beep. 

_(OC/n), I could hear Dan crying from my side of the wall. :-(_


	17. September 2009

_One week. I didn't talk to him for one week._

_Every Facebook message, text, call--ignored. He went to my house over and over but I had my mum tell him I was not in the mood to talk to anyone._

_"Are you okay?"_  
"I'm worried about you."  
"Why aren't you answering my calls?"  
"Did I do something wrong?" 

_All of his messages was a stab to my heart._

_I knew that the longer we keep this up, the longer it will hurt. Dan had everything set for him and all he needed to do was grab it. I was lost, I was hurting and I needed him more than ever but I knew I was dragging him down. Everyone we talk to kept on asking him about his plans to go to uni to pursue a law degree and everytime, he would squeeze my hand as if assuring me that he wouldn't leave. He wanted to make Youtube videos, to meet up with Phil in person but he always puts me first. I was on a different kind of low at that time and Dan was always just one call away._

_And yet I decided to break his heart._

_For one week, I shed all of the tears I could shed. All my anguish and my pain blasted through every fibre of my being. I prepared myself mentally, emotionally and physically for what I was about to do. And as the week ended, I took a deep breath and called Dan._

_"Hey. I need to talk to you." I said, my voice a complete monotone._

_"Wha... Okay. Is everything..." he stuttered._

_"Meet me at the park. Now, if it's possible." I cut him off._

_"Oh okay. I could just pick you up and..." he offered but I cut him off again, telling him that I prefer to just meet him there._

_Thankfully, the park was deserted. When I arrived, Dan was already there, his face lighting up as he saw me. I clenched my fists, trying to control the heaviness building up in my chest._

_"Hey! Are you okay?" he greeted me, his hands reaching for my face. I shook my head and he seemed confused._

_"(OC/n), did I do something wrong? Didn't you receive my messages?" he asked, his hands landing in my arms instead._

_I looked at him straight in the eye, holding back my desire to just put my arms around his waist and kiss his lips. I could feel bile rising up my throat, every breath I'm taking felt like a complete struggle._

_"Dan, I want out. I don't wanna be with you anymore." I told him, my every word feeling like knives against my tongue._

_His face fell, his eyes wide in surprise. "What... I don't understand."_

_I raised my eyebrows at him, pulling out a straight face. "You heard me the first time."_

_"Did something happen? This isn't you talking." Dan replied, his voice cracking, his brown eyes filling with tears. I bit my tongue to stop myself from breaking into pieces._

_"You're uninspiring! You have all these opportunities and you're just here, hovering like a useless f*ck up! I thought you wanted to make Youtube videos? How's that working out? All you do is whine and fanboy and all that shit!" I shouted, my eyes stinging, tears betraying me. I knew Dan. I knew that he was the type to be the bigger person and prove people wrong. I knew that he wouldn't waver because of my words and he would take this in to be better. And yet every single word that escaped my mouth tasted like poison. Still, I believed that it was the only way._

_He just looked at me, his eyebrows knit together, his hands balled to fists and tears streaming on his cheeks. "You don't mean that. I know you don't."_

_"I'm done, okay?" I blurted out, turning away from him. We were both shaking, faces both tearstained. I wiped my tears away harshly, my feet about to head home._

_"You're lying to me! There's another reason! Just tell me the truth, dammit!" he cried, making my steps feel heavier and heavier. I was shaking my head as I go, praying that I have enough conviction to not run back to him and tell him how much I love him._

_I looked back one last time, my heart shattering to pieces as I took one last glimpse of him looking broken and defeated. "We're over." I managed to say, almost choking at my own words._

_"Please don't walk away." he begged, voice barely a whisper. Despite that, I heard him loud and clear._

_The worst thing was I still chose to take the road that leads far away from the person I love the most, thinking that it was the best yet the most painful decision I have ever made._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been appreciating this story so far. This is the most emotionally harrowing chapter I have written and this may seem narcissistic but conceptualising and writing this was emotional painful af. ^^


	18. Painful Clichés

_HEY PHIL!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I'll be greeting you later on Twitter via my fan account so good luck figuring out which one am I!!!_

I sent my message with a huge smile creeping up my face. It's the first time since I talked to Dan again that I genuinely smiled. Thinking about Phil turning 29 just makes me giddy. It's just so hard to believe!!! 

#HappyBirthdayPhil has been trending since I last checked Twitter. I'm glad. He deserves this. All of this. He had been nothing but kind to everyone, to me and especially to Dan. 

I sigh. This room is suffocating. Never really thought I'd say that, considering this is my only haven. I looked at my phone, the photo of our time in Paris shining brightly, almost blinding me. 

***

_"It's beautiful, isn't it? But kinda sad. I mean is it just me or after you look at it and marvel at its beauty then bam! Nothing." I tugged at his arm, staring at the Eiffel Tower, its lights bright against the night. Dan didn't reply._

_I looked at him and found him staring at me, a cheeky smile on his face._

_"What?" I asked him, crossing my arms against my chest._

_"At least I could marvel at your beauty endlessly." he mused, grinning at me._

_I smacked his arm and he laughed, howling. "That. Was. So. Cheesy. Ugggggh!" I groaned, hiding the fact that my heart skipped when I heard what he said._

_"Ow! That hurts! Stop!" he complained, grabbing both my hands and trapping me in an embrace. We were giggling like crazy._

_"Too much, guys, too much." we heard his brother scoff._

_Dan rolled his eyes. "Shut up."_

_I looked up at him and smiled. He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead._

***

"F*ck!" I spat, rolling out of bed. "Ugggggggh!!! Why? Why? WHY?" I gritted my teeth, stomping my feet at the memory. 

Throwing in my blackest outfit, I decided to head out to distract myself without a destination in mind. 

I walked and walked and walked and still everything around me reminded me of Dan. 

"He doesn't love you anymore. Stop it. Stop thinking. He's okay, okay? You left. You deserve this shit. Stupid! Stupid!" I kept on muttering and muttering and yep! I know I look stupid, okay? I talk to myself! 

And people are staring! You've done it again (OC/n)! Bravo! 

With my yapping and thinking, I smacked head on to someone. Great!

"Ow~~ Sorry! Are you..." I heard the person say and I couldn't help myself. 

"Shit!" I exclaimed. I know that voice. 

I looked up and saw Dan looking down at me, his one hand holding up the cake box he was carrying away from our collision. 

My name escaped his lips, questioning. I internally cussed at myself, trying to think of how I should handle it. 

"Heeeeey!" I managed to say, my hands moving awkwardly on my sides, my voice sounding more like a whimper than a cheery greeting. 

And of course, being the dork that he is, he raised his eyebrows at me, awkwardly replying with "heeeeey" the same way as I did. 

"Erm... For Phil, right?" I said, pointing at the cake. "Of course it's for Phil! How stupid could I get?" I followed through, laughing awkwardly. 

Dan smiled. And then he grinned. And laughed. 

F*ck. Someone stab me with a spork. It'll be less painful. 

"You haven't changed a bit." he said, still smiling. 

I simply gave a soft laugh in response, his words making my chest hurt. If only I could tell him that the only thing that hasn't changed is the way I feel for him (f*ck, too cheesy but true). 

He probably noticed my expression and he stopped, his eyes studying everything but me. 

"Erm... I should go. Tell Phil I said happy birthday." I told him, my feet already increasing our distance. I could feel my heart pounding like crazy, my brain still burnt from the memory of his smiles. He simply nodded and then the distance grew and grew.

To be honest, I know in my heart that I wanted him to run after me or to at least call my name to say a proper goodbye. I can hope, can I?

I turned and saw that he was already far, heading straight on. Silently, I counted to three, hoping that he would at least look back. 

But that only happens in movies.


	19. Smiles, Gifts and 3AM Drunk Calls

Who else thinks that Daniel James Freaking Howell's smile is paralysing af? Ugh! 

I've been staring at the wall for the past 3 hours, blushing and feeling heat rise up my neck everytime I remember how he smiled. 

The worse thing was he smiled AT me. Laughed even. That f*cked me up. 

He smiled wider now. More natural. More... Just more. When we were together, his smile wasn't quite the same. It would rarely reach his eyes and there was always something missing. But now he's happy and I have one person to thank for that. 

3AM. I figured they're still awake. 

_Hey Phil! Happy birthday again!!! I'm lazy af so I decided to just ship my gift to you. I'll send it out tomorrow so it'll be there probs the day after. Lemme know once you receive it. Woot! *cake emoji* *balloon emoji*_

SENT. 

I looked over the box on my bedside table, panda-muffed headphones inside them. I hope Phil would like it. Rolling over to my side, I closed my eyes to sleep. 

Only to be disturbed by the ringing of my phone. 

"Hello?" I answered, yawning. 

"Heeeeey (OC/n)!!!! Hello!" Phil greeted from the other side of the call. I could hear video game noises and cussing. 

"(OC/n)?" I heard Dan's voice in the background.

"Yep! Wanna talk to her?" Phil mused, his voice a little high-pitched than usual. 

"Wait! Are you guys drunk?" I asked, noticing the slurred teasing I could hear from my end. 

"Maaaaaaybe..." Phil replied and as I was about to reply, I heard shuffling, more cussing and Phil cheering "yay!" 

I shake my head. Nerds. 

"(OC/n)!" I almost dropped my phone when I heard Dan's voice. 

"Dan, you're freaking drunk!" I exclaimed, not wanting him to say anything he wouldn't remember in the morning. 

He ignored me. "Phil here said that you will ship your gift. That's stupid. You know where we live. Waste of money. You used to be so cheap..." 

"I wasn't cheap! I was frugal! There's a difference!" I defensively replied, momentarily forgetting that I was talking to someone who's drunk. 

"Come over." he replied, his voice suddenly soft. 

"You don't mean that." I simply said, biting my lip. 

No reply. All I could hear was the sound of utensils on a plate and I assumed that's Phil eating cake. 

"I'm hanging up." I said, my voice barely a whisper. 

"It was nice seeing you today (OC/n). Me and Phil will be waiting for you tomorrow, okay?" 

My heart fluttered when I heard him, despite knowing that the sleepiness in his voice indicated his drunkenness. "Okay" was all I managed to say before hearing Phil exclaim "Daaaan did you see my phone? Why do you have it? Give it! Give it!" And then the call ended.


	20. The Truth Behind His Eyes

"Dan?!" Okay, my reaction was a bit overly dramatic but damn! I was caught off guard, okay? 

I don't know what came over me but Dan was right. It'll cost less if I deliver Phil's gift to their flat personally. Doesn't mean I have to see both of them, right? 

The thing is, I texted Phil to expect me in an hour just so I wouldn't have to pass up the trouble of being face-to-face with Dan. 

And yet here we were. 

"You seem surprised." Dan said, clearly amused. 

"I texted Phil that I would drop off his gift around this time." I explained, looking down at the paper bag I was carrying. 

Dan shook his head slightly, gritting his teeth. "He went out. Some kind of houseplant emergency." He spat the words out, knowing how ridiculous it sounded and I know that Dan and I shared the same thought: this is Phil being sneaky af. 

"Well... Can you just give this to him for me? I need to go." I asked, my palms getting sweatier by the minute. Philip Michael Lester, why are you doing this to us?!?

Dan stepped sideways, looking at me as if to say _Let's just get this over with. Just come in._

"Erm..." I was hesitating. I know Dan wouldn't do anything stupid but I was scared that I might.

"He would want to get that from you personally." Dan simply said, nodding towards the inside of the doorway. I gave in and went in. 

Dan told me to sit by the sofa and similar to the last time I was here, I chose the one farthest to his crease, my eyes studying their flat. It was a complete combination and harmony of both their personalities, like everything were puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly. 

There were photos of them everywhere, moments forever immortalised behind glass frames. Seeing all of these made me breathe a little lighter. All is well. That was the main point of it all. 

On my own, I know how broken and lost I am right now. But all of these seemed to make me forget of this void I have in my life. 

And just like that, I realised exactly why it was wrong for me to be here. 

"Would you like something to drink?" Dan offered, snapping me away from my thoughts. I simply looked at him, seeing his eyes flicker with fear and worry and I understood why. He couldn't help it. Dan was an overthinker like me and it might have occurred to him as well. 

Simply put, I believe that Dan was afraid of having to choose. 

I realised that maybe the reason why him and Phil has not been involved with anyone since they started Youtube is because being in a relationship might cause a strain on their friendship. Not because of the shipping or their careers. It was because they had an incredible bond, they were soulmates, they knew and understood each other so well that if ever they choose the wrong person to be with--a person who would not approve, support or accept that their friendship is much more important to both of them than anything and anyone else-- then they would have to make a choice. 

And of course they MUST choose each other because what they have is something that other people can only dream of having. 

But reality is much more complicated. Decisions hurt people. It's reasonable to fear it. 

That's why I now understand why seeing me caused an unexplainable flicker in Dan's eyes. He was afraid that if I walk into his life again and he finds himself loving me as he used to, then there's a chance that I wouldn't welcome Phil completely into our lives. 

Because who would want their significant other to care about another person much more than themselves? 

I found it scary how I understood Dan so much without him telling me. I understood his sentiments. Even if I know that Phil will always be the most important person in his life and I would never try to get in between their friendship, I couldn't help Dan from being scared as shit because what I just described is basic human nature. 

Him and Phil--they are yin and yang, canvass and paint, earth and sky, dusk and dawn-- I know I could never top that.

Before I could feel my tears to fall down my face, I looked at Dan straight on and saw his confused expression. 

"Please tell Phil I really have to go and I hope he likes my gift." I said, my voice barely a whisper. 

Dan was about to say something but I already turned away and headed for the door. I decided to walk away. Again. I hope it wipes away his fears. I hope it will make him feel at ease, not having to choose. I hope his friendship with Phil will remain to be his only choice because they deserve each other. And with all of that in mind, I managed to let out one word that will carry out everything else that is left unsaid.

"Goodbye."


	21. Friends

_SKYPE ME PLZ!_

I blinked once, then twice, checking whether or not I read Phil's message right. Yep. He wants to skype. 

I managed to stay away for six years. Six freaking years. Why do I have to fall into this void all over again? All because of that stupid decision to go to TATINOF. 

Sometimes, I hate myself. 

_PST. PSSSST._ Phil texted again. 

I put my phone on silent, thinking whether or not I should say yes. Phil was trying... To reach out, to make me and Dan talk...but he shouldn't. 

I just decided to scroll to work on a project I needed to finish, typing away to distract myself. 

Then suddenly, I received a Skype notification...

From Dan. 

**_Dan Howell:_** It's Phil! I just used Dan's laptop since it already has your account from the last time. Answer plzzzzz!!!

This is what I get for keeping my Skype logged on all the time. 

I started the video call and a few moments later, Phil's face came on the screen.

"Hey (OC/n)!!! Thanks for this! It's so cute!" Phil greeted, wearing the panda-muffed headphones I gave him. 

Despite all my worries, Phil's smile just made me feel a little bit happier. 

"I'm glad you liked them." I smiled back. On the bottom of my screen, I saw the small window showing me my face and I nearly screamed. 

"I look like a zombie. Sorry! I wasn't expecting on making any human interactions today so..." I shrugged, trying to straighten my messed up locks. 

"So... how's the birthday?" I asked, resting my cheek on my hand. 

"It was great! Me and Dan went out with some friends and I think I'm 98% sugar right now!" Phil replied.

I was about to ask him of the tweets he received  when I heard Dan's voice in the background. 

"Is that her?" he asked and Phil looked at me, apologetic. 

"Sorry (OC/n). Dan wanted to talk to you." he confessed, pouting. 

"But... but..." I started to protest but the laptop was already being passed and Dan sat down the couch, looking at me through the webcam.

"Don't be mad at Phil. I asked him to do this. I know you wouldn't answer if I was the one who directly asked." 

I bit my lip, looking anywhere but the screen. "I'm not mad at anyone."

"Did I do or say something wrong earlier?" he asked. 

My eyes slowly led back to him and I shook my head. "What makes you think that?"

"You're acting all weird everytime we bump into each other." Dan replied. 

"I'm always weird. You know that." I blurted out without thinking. 

He smiled. "That IS true."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "You seriously agreed? Prick."

He laughed and so did I. I felt a mixture of pain and comfort in my chest. What are we doing? 

"Why can't it be like this (OC/n)? You always seem to... rabid..." he mused and I noticed the hesitation in his voice as he did. 

"I just find it hard to be around you." I admitted, knowing that that'll confirm his thoughts. 

"But we can work it out, right? I mean... be friends?" he said. 

I just stared at him, my expression obviously confused. "Dan, you don't have to pretend or try anything with me. I know you..." 

"And I know you. I know why you keep on running away. I... I think that after all those years, I finally knew." his voice was grave, his expression controlled. 

"Why did you break up with me, (OC/n)? Is it because you thought that at the time I was holding back because of you? That I was wasting my life back then because of you? Because that's not true." Dan continued and I felt my hands shaking.

"Dan stop." I said quietly, looking away. 

"I did all those things because I wanted to. I had all my plans set. I thought about how we're going to make it work. But you blamed yourself. Am I right?" his voice was cracking. 

"Dan..." I was at a loss for words but he continued talking. 

"Just tell me... because as long as we have all of these unsettled, we can never move on. And I really, really want you back in my life. We were friends before we both f*cked up, remember?" Dan sounded like he was pleading and I looked up to see his expression waiting for my answer. 

I smiled sadly at him. "You were always the smart one."

"So... friends?" he asked. 

I nodded, thinking about the fact that if we close that chapter in our lives and actually accept the fact that we will be nothing more than just friends, then I wouldn't get in the way. This is Dan working around the problem. 

Casual hellos and how are yous-- I could work with that. 

"Friends." I replied, racking my brain for the fastest way to bury all of my feelings for Dan Howell.


	22. Epiphany

Who is calling me at this hour? 

I was blindly searching for my phone through a tangle of blankets, the ringing of my phone causing my head to ache. 

"Ughhhh... it's only... 10AM.... Ugh..." I squinted as I looked at my phone, my eyesight still blurry from sleepiness. 

"Heeeeey (OC/n)! Wanna hang out later? We'll bring the movies!" I heard the person from the other line say. Who is this? 

"Huh? Okay. Whatever you say." I replied groggily.  

"Okay! See you later!" the caller replied and I found myself listening to nothing. 

I snuggled my pillow even tighter, pulling my blanket above my head. 

***

6:47PM

I didn't notice that the whole afternoon had passed and I'm still wearing a loose t-shirt and a smiley-themed boxer shorts. 

Laziness, ugh. 

I've been working on an article I have to pass this weekend but I kept on getting this weird feeling that I have to do something else. 

Or maybe this is just my procrastinator self talking. 

I shrugged it off and continued typing. 

A few minutes or so, I heard my doorbell ring. 

"My amazon delivery isn't due until tomorrow." I muttered, heading over to the door. 

I looked through the peephole and I cussed. "What are they doing here?!?"

"We can hear you (OC/n)." I heard Dan say. "Told you she sleep talks." he continued, talking to Phil. 

I opened the door, confused. "Heeeey guys."

Dan and Phil suddenly blushed, their eyes immediately scanning the floor. I looked down at what I'm wearing. 

"Oh shit! Erm... Make yourselves at home. I'll just... change." I exclaimed, opening the door for them and rushing to my bedroom. 

I pulled on some sweatpants and shook my hair out of its messy bun. "Can't be helped." I breathed as I looked at myself in the mirror. 

As I stepped out of my bedroom, I saw Dan and Phil awkwardly sitting on my couch. 

"What did I agree to?" I asked them, flashing a shy smile as I did so. 

"Movies!" Phil replied, holding up a bunch of Blu-rays and DVDs. 

"Cool! Er... I'll go pizza!" I blurted and we all bursted out laughing.

"What do you wanna watch?" Dan asked. 

"Your call." I replied, smiling as I did. That felt nice. We were talking to each other normally, no tension or strain. 

"What pizza would you guys like? Phil? Dan... still the same for you?" I absentmindedly asked and almost bit my tongue as I did. 

"Yeps." Dan answered, also as if on impulse. I glanced at them and saw that Dan was busily setting up the DVD. Phil, on the other hand, was looking at me and Dan back and forth, trying to hide a smile. 

After I finished the call, I sat next to Phil and he looked at me sideways, nodding his head towards Dan, who was sitting on his other side. I rolled my eyes, sticking my tongue out. He giggled. Dan looked at the both of us, wondering what the commotion was about. Me and Phil shrugged. 

We decided to watch a horror film (I won't say what because I might reveal spoilers) and I can feel that we're all trying to act brave because in every potentially creepy scene, we were making snarky comments and awkward jokes. 

15 minutes into the movie, I heard the doorbell and that meant one thing: PIZZA!!!! 

"Wooh! Pizza, pizza, pizza!" I chanted, getting out of my seat. 

"Stay there. I'll get it." Dan said, walking past me. 

"Hey! You brought the movies and the snacks! Pizza's on me!!!" I insisted, pushing him back to his seat but he was so heavy that he didn't budge. 

"I'll do it!" Phil said, jumping up from the couch and running to the door even before Dan and I could protest. 

I looked up and saw Dan looking at me, trying to stifle his laughter.

"I hate you." I hissed, slumping back to my seat. 

"You're so small." he teased and I hit him on the arm. 

"Prick." I retorted and we laughed even harder.

This is okay, I told myself. His smile made my heart flutter and the way his chest rises and falls at every laugh makes my head buzz but I could take this. This is enough. Maybe this is what we're really just meant to be. 

Phil came back with two boxes of pizza and a big bottle of soda. "Unpause!" he said and Dan resumed the movie.

I kept on chanting "pizza" under my breath as I bite, focusing on the cheese too much when the scene in the movie gets too scary. 

We were all silent, the air in the room a lot breathable than when I was in here alone. Dan and Phil's bodies angled towards each other naturally, just like the millions of times they have sat next to each other in any given scenario for the past six years. Meanwhile, I sat straight ahead, my body language suggesting that I was used to being by myself all the time. 

That made me smile... though not in a happy way. They didn't notice. 

I was staring at the screen, nothing much passing through my eyes. All I could process were the lights and the colours and my mind was on a completely different place. 

I could feel myself aching, my chest feeling a little hollow. And yet, like a masochistic wish, I knew that this was better than nothing. I don't just have Dan back but also Phil, who had been nothing but kind to me. I felt like I was finally taking part in a story that the universe itself has tailored and yet, in this I was meant to learn that not everyone could have what they have. 

I felt my head heavily falling on my own shoulders, drifting away into a void of darkness.

***  
I woke up the next morning in my bed, wondering how I got there. All I could think of were my last thoughts the night before. 

I grabbed my phone, wanting to apologize for how rude I must've seem, falling asleep despite having guests. 

A text from an unknown number.

_You still drool in your sleep. *cry laugh emoji* We locked your doors before we left. Got your keys. Will drop them off later. *wink emoji* -Dan_

I stared at my phone, dumbfounded. How did he know where I hide my keys?

Then it hit me. 

2007\. My birthday. He told me that he the thinks I hide my room keys between my two favourite books on the shelf. I asked him how he knew. 

"I make it my business to know everything about you." he replied, smiling at me with all his heart.


	23. The Way You Know

"Okay mum. Bye."

Shattered. Again.

For the nth time this week, my mum and dad has been calling me, asking me if I've found a job. A real one. Not like the freelance thing I've been doing for quite some time now. It's always been an issue that led me to move out. Not that I could blame them but the pressure is too much sometimes. They're too high-strung and I, on the other hand, just wanted to do something that could make me happy. Money is hard to get by, sure, but I'm doing something I'm passionate about. 

But somehow, that's still not good enough. 

I could feel my hands shaking again. Oh no. Anxiety, hello my friend. 

Breathing in and breathing out, I tried to calm myself down. I had no appetite, no energy, and I just sat there on my couch, tears rushing slowly down my cheeks despite my entire being feeling numb. 

Their words kept on echoing inside my head over and over. 

Suddenly, my phone rang. 

"Hey Dan." I answered, trying to sound cheerful. 

"Hey. I'm on my way out to drop off your keys." he said, his voice somehow loosening the constricting feeling in my chest. 

"No! Don't... I... Uh... I'll get it from you. I also needed to get out today so..." I told him, not wanting to cause an inconvenience. 

"Are you on your period or something?" he asked seriously. 

"I... What?" I exclaimed. What was he on about? It's not like he sounds like someone who's mocking me. He's dead serious. 

"Something's not right. What's wrong?" he asked again. 

What the fffffff.... Is there anything I said that threw me off? Is he psychic? That was my best 'I'm doing great' voice! I fool my friends with that! JFC! 

"Dan, I'm fine. What the heck." I mused, laughing as I did. 

"That's it! I'm coming over." he replied, ending the call. 

"Jeez Daniel! Ugh!" I stomped my feet, gritting my teeth as I go. 

I called him over and over and over but I kept on ending up with his voicemail. I dialled Phil's number and he picked up on the fourth ring. 

"Phil, is Dan still there?" I asked, almost out of breath.

"He's on the way to your place looking really serious. Did something happen?" Phil asked, obviously confused. I explained to him my conversation with Dan. 

"Well... Are you sure you're really okay?" Phil's voice was filled with worry. 

"I can manage. Not a big deal really." I admitted, sighing. "But I tried so hard, you know. I wasn't even thinking about my problem when I talked to Dan." 

Phil was quiet for a moment, then he replied. "You know, Dan told me once that you never liked talking about yourself and that he found you really hard to read so he had to be very, very, very observant when it comes to you. Maybe that's why he knew something was wrong." 

"I never knew that." I simply said, not knowing what else to say. 

"Don't tell Dan I just told you that. Eeeep!" Phil squeaked, making me laugh. 

"Okay. Thanks Phil. Really." I told him and after saying our goodbyes, I was on my own again. 

Dan could be here any minute so I washed my face and put my bravest, okay-est face on and waited. Ten minutes later, my doorbell rang. 

"Your keys." Dan said as soon as I opened the door, dangling the keys on my face, his face stern as ever. 

"Thanks!" I told him as I took it from his hands, smiling. He was studying me, as if waiting for something. 

"Erm... Bye?" I bit my lip, hoping that he would get the message and leave. Instead, he simply glared at me. 

"What?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest. 

He showed me a plastic bag that I didn't notice he was carrying and said, "I brought ice cream." 

"Good for you and Phil, then!" I replied, grinning nervously. 

"Phil doesn't like strawberry." he said, shrugging. 

I rolled my eyes at him, cussing internally. So he still remembers my favourite. "Fine. Come in."


	24. The Things We Left Unsaid

"What do we need those for?" Dan asked, looking at the small bowls I was holding. 

"For the ice cream." I replied, raising my eyebrows at him. He laughed. 

"We both know this goes easy in one sitting." he said and I nodded, laughing. I went back to the kitchen and only took the spoons with me. 

When I came back, I saw him sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth as his eyes scanned the room. 

"You do know I have a couch, right? It's the one you're currently using as a backrest." I told him and he smiled. He watched me as I sat near him, but far enough to not invade his personal space. My mind was buzzing with one thought that I blurted out even before I could stop the words from spilling out. 

"This is weird." I breathed, laughing nervously. 

Dan looked at me, his eyes somehow gentle and soft. "What is?" 

I tried to calm myself down by taking the first spoonful of ice cream and shoving it in my mouth. Dan was still watching me. 

"These past couple of months. Who would've thought I'd be sitting here with you right now?" I simply said, looking away. 

"Tell me what I missed. I mean, you watch me and Phil so I think you know what happened to me.... I wanna know what happened to you." he said, his eyes never leaving me. STOOOOOP! 

I was fiddling with my fingers, thinking of what to say. I sighed. "Nothing much has changed, actually. My dreams are still the same, expectations high, my delivery so-so... But I'm okay." 

"(OC/n)." Calling my name made me look at him. "The pressure's still there?" 

I wanted to hesitate but I ended up nodding. I could feel the air thickening around us that I decided to smile. "But the hell with that! I'm strong! I'm managing! Let's eat!" 

"Right." he muttered, giving me a small smile. 

We were eating in silence until my phone beeped due to a Twitter notification. Dan's eyes flickered to my phone screen and saw my wallpaper. Well sh*t. 

It was the Eiffel Tower. 

Okay. It wasn't our Paris photo but still... 

I checked the notifs on my phone, trying my hardest to not look at Dan's expression. 

"Remember when the wind blew so hard that your ice cream went 'splat'?" I heard him say, his voice barely a whisper. I looked up from my phone and saw him staring straight ahead, the ghost of a smile on his face. 

"You're worse. You had ice cream drippings all over your shirt." I replied, smiling at the memory. 

"Don't say 'drippings'." he said, grinning. I raised my hands up as if to say 'my bad.' 

"And then..." he started, but as soon as the words left his lips, silence filled the air. 

_I remembered that day clearly. We were laughing like crazy over some random joke, our hands sticky with all the ice cream dripping down the cone. We were playful and making fun by fake flirting. Then all of a sudden, Dan kissed me. I could feel him smiling as we kissed and my arms held onto him like I never wanted to let go._

I felt my vision blurring and I clenched my hands to hold back tears. 

"I still don't believe your reasons for breaking up with me." Dan suddenly hissed, anger edging up his voice. "It's been years. Can't you tell me the truth?" 

"I thought you already understood. You told me the other day." I replied, my voice cracking. 

"You felt like you were holding me back? All those things? BULLSHIT!" Dan exclaimed and when I looked at him, I saw his hands shaking. 

The tears betrayed me and started falling. "You turned out fine! I thought we're making things work now! Can't we just leave it---" 

"I can't! For six years, I kept on wondering what I did wrong! Is it because of Phil?!" His every word stabbed me, his eyes brimming with tears as well. He was on his feet now, piercing me with his questioning stare. 

I stood up, wanting to meet him eye to eye if we are really having this conversation. "I didn't blame Phil or you or anyone. It was my choice, Dan. Mine." 

"Then tell me why... Because it almost drove me mad. Back in 2012, I was finally feeling happy and content with where my life was going. But then I thought of you and I felt so guilty. I even started to blame Phil for what happened to you and me. There was a point when seeing him made me think that this whole Youtube dream of mine caused us to fall apart." Dan confessed, his eyes mirroring the pain in mine. 

"He saved you. I could never blame him... Ever. You two were meant to be... this. I was hurting for myself, Dan. Because I felt like I could never belong with someone like that. And I knew how scared you were when you saw me come back. What you and Phil have is something no one could take away, I know that. And back then until now, all I could think of is how fearful you might be if a day comes and someone would demand you to choose between them and Phil. I don't want to be that person." I could feel my heart shattering at every word, six years of pain drowning me in. 

He held my face gently, his chest heaving. "But don't you see? Couldn't you hear yourself? Saying all of that just means you understand. That you won't make me choose. Because you know that I can't. I won't. You and Phil are the two people in the world that I never want to lose because you hold half of my life. And you broke me in ways I can't even put to words when you left." 

"Dan... I... I'm messed up. You're already doing okay... But... I'm still me." I was shaking violently now, my knees causing me to break down to the floor. Dan knelt beside me and held me in his arms. 

"And I'm still me. I'm still Dan. The guy who never stopped loving you." he whispered in my ear as his embrace got tighter. He was crying with me, all of those six years we spent apart slamming down our chests. 

"I'm so sorry...Go. Please. I can't do this anymore." I repeated over and over, looking up at him as I did. 

Instead of answering, I felt him kiss my forehead, then my tearstained eyes, the bridge of my nose, my right cheek and then...

Our lips met.


	25. The Definite Answer

I could feel his tears against my cheeks. 

We were both shaking, a growing desperation and hunger in the way our lips collided. Dan's fingers were running endlessly through my hair to my tearstained cheeks then back again, his other hand squeezing on my arm as if feeling every inch of warmth I have on my skin. I could feel the thumping of his chest on my palms, his every breath thrumming through my fingers. He was pulling me closer and my body was giving in. I could feel myself crashing into a void of wanting as I clung to his shirt, our lips animalistic against each other. 

It took every fibre of my being and sanity to pull away from him. 

"Dan... We can't do this anymore." I breathed, my voice hoarse. 

He looked at me, his eyes still filled with tears the same as mine. His lips were swollen from our kisses, his hands still holding onto me as if he was afraid I might disappear into the air. 

"Why... What are...you...talking about?" he couldn't talk straight, his teeth chattering wildly from crying. 

"You said I understand. But I don't want to hurt you and Phil if ever the time comes that I become selfish or jealous or demanding. They might be a time when I won't understand. I don't want to tear you apart." I told him, trying to hold myself together as I did. 

That's the thing about the future. People change. Yes, I understand them now but until when? I've always been afraid of things I couldn't control. 

"Take the risk!" Dan shouted, slamming his fist on the floor. 

"Would you really want me to?!" I asked him, already knowing the answer. 

His head was hanging low, shoulder shaking. I could see tears rushing down his cheeks even as he harshly wipes them away with his hand.

"Please go..." I whispered. 

"Why does it have to be this complicated?" I heard him say. 

I held either side of his face, brushing his cheeks with my thumb. "It's not. We've gone six years apart. You said it yourself, right? We've grown. We know that there are far more important things than us." 

He looked at me and the pain in my chest tripled. "I feel like I'm hurting you more than you're hurting me." he said. 

I gave a sad laugh. "Nah. All of the things that happened to you... That's happening to you... That makes me happy." 

He was about to touch my face but I shook my head. I don't want to crumble. Not yet. 

I closed my eyes and let go of him. "Go..." 

I could feel him slowly slipping away and I didn't look until I heard the door come to a complete close. 

And just like that, I felt myself break into a thousand more pieces.


	26. It Was Never Just About The Two

Phone off. Laptop off. Tablet off. 

Turning off the lights, I lay down my bed with my fingers tracing my lips. I couldn't help crying, my mind flashing with memories of the way Dan kissed and touched me. The image of him breaking down pained me even further. 

My head started to spin, my breathing uneven. I clung to my chest as if that could soothe the stabbing pain I physically feel. 

***

I woke up around 7PM with a massive headache. Grabbing my phone, I turned it on and saw a lot of notifications. 

And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. 

All of them from Phil. Some of them went like:  
_Can we talk?_  
_Hey (OC/n)! Text or call me please._  
_Hope you're doing okay._  
_I'm sorry._

___Out of all his messages, the last one made me wonder. What was Phil apologising for?_ _ _

___I messaged him and asked him if we can talk via Skype. Minutes later, I saw him go online._ _ _

___"Hey Phil... I just..."_ _ _

___"(OC/n), is it okay if I go first?" he asked, his face all serious. I nodded._ _ _

___"Dan told me everything as soon as he came home. Things look way worst than when you broke up with him back in 2009. Seeing him face-to-face like that... It was hard._ _ _

___And when he told me your reasons, I just... I'm so sorry. I mean, I kinda suspected before that it was because of me. That's why I tried so hard to get you two to talk when I saw you during the tour but when I saw your reaction, I realised that I was wrong. You didn't break up with Dan because you hated me...but because you cared... A lot." Phil gave me a small smile and I realised his eyes were teary._ _ _

___"Phil... I..." I wanted to explain, to just say something, but nothing came out._ _ _

___"Are you a fan of Sherlock?" I heard him ask, making me raise my eyebrows._ _ _

___"I... I love it. Why?" I replied, my voice hoarse, still confused._ _ _

___"That explains a lot." he chuckled. "But just think... If you think that my friendship with Dan is similar to Sherlock and John, then you're Mary... Not because I think you'll shoot me or anything but because ever since the beginning, you accepted it wholeheartedly._ _ _

___And sure it's scary. I understand why you're worried and why Dan's worried, but with everything that I've seen from both of you, I know we'll work it all out._ _ _

___There will be times that you and Dan would need your time together. There will be instances when we have to be away on tour or conventions for days or weeks. But after I got to know you, after realising that you've been hurting all these years because you were thinking what's best for my friendship with Dan... Don't be afraid to take the risk._ _ _

___We both care about Dan and I know we won't do anything that'll hurt him. We won't make him choose, (OC/n). I'm sure of it."_ _ _

___Phil's resolve could be felt even through the screen. I saw the determination, the assurance, the trust._ _ _

___And I started crying. Again. Where the hell did all these water from my body coming from? Jeez. Shouldn't I be dehydrated or something?_ _ _

___"You two should stop crying. You're making me cry!" Phil protested, wiping his eyes as he gave a small smile._ _ _

___"Phil, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry." The words spilled out of my mouth over and over._ _ _

___"No! Don't... The only thing you have to apologise for is doing all that crying!!!" Phil replied._ _ _

___"I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I overthink! Ugh!" I whined, blowing my nose to a handful of tissues._ _ _

___Phil chuckled. "That sounds like what Dan said earlier."_ _ _

___"See? We're too cynical to be together!" I exclaimed._ _ _

___"That's why you guys need me in your life! See? We're already a package!" Phil mused, grinning._ _ _

___"You're such a nerd." I told him, smiling despite the unending tears._ _ _

___"I'll talk to Dan, okay?" Phil said._ _ _

___"I... I still have to think things through." My mind was racing with all the possible outcomes, both good and bad._ _ _

___"Okay. I hope you consider the things I've said too." Phil replied, his eyes bearing a silent prayer._ _ _

___I simply nodded, my thoughts darting back and forth to light and dark places._ _ _


	27. A Link To The Past

3:17AM

I should be sleeping. 

I'm still working. 

Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm just staring at my screen, silently wishing that all the workload will suddenly disappear. But life is shit so... 

A red symbol appeared. An email notification. 

I rolled my eyes, grunting. Really? More work? But to my surprise, it wasn't from my work email. It was from the personal account and the message was from Dan. 

There was no subject or even a message--all I saw was a link to a private Youtube video. I could feel my heart beating so fast against my chest as I clicked on it. 

The title was just my name. It was posted a few days after we came home from Paris. 

The video started loading and the quality was crap. Fetus Dan appeared onscreen and he started fixing the webcam, biting his lip as he did. 

"Oh shit!" I heard him say as the camera seemed to have fallen. He fixed it again and he settled down, rocking back and forth. I figured that since this was before his actual Youtube days, he probably found it weird to be doing this. 

"Hey (OC/n). So... Ummm... I know that you're probably gonna laugh at me when you watch this because this is gonna be mushy and shit but... Whew! Okay!" he was laughing nervously, making me smile as I watched. 

"We've been together for almost three years now and I don't know if I've said this enough but you... You're the... You're going to kill me because I know you hate compliments but dammit! Shut up, okay?" he had his index finger held up dramatically. "You can't do anything because this is a video so shhhhh." 

"I know that you don't believe that you're beautiful. You said it wasn't about being insecure but because you just look at yourself and you see that that's a fact. That you're not beautiful. So yeah. Fine. Believe what you want but hear me out. I love the way your eyes look when you're sleepy and happy and worried and... I just love your eyes, okay?!

Then those ugly faces you pull because smiling in photos is too mainstream? They make me smile all the time." he was grinning now, showing some of our photos on the camera (it was a fail because everything was blurry and the webcam's focus is shit). 

"But you know what's my favourite thing about you?" he said, suddenly turning serious. 

"You see the world differently. You feel differently. You experience things differently. I could talk to you about my craziest 3AM thoughts and you would completely understand. 

I hate everything about myself but... But I feel happy knowing that some other crazy person loves me right now. You're probably choking from all the things that I'm saying. Don't worry. I'll regret all of this later when the cringe attacks." he laughed then paused, his eyes shining. 

"I hope you know how much I love you. I hope I show it as you want it because I'm not really good at just saying it and I hope that's okay too. 

I just said 'I hope' too many times. So much for my vocabulary!" he laughed and all I could think of was how much of a meme he was even before memes were a thing.

"I plan to give this to you when we reach our 5th anniversary because why not? Stop judging my life choices! I really believe we can reach that. Look at those two years that just passed. Flew by faster than Sonic's running." the references, oh dear. 

"I was actually gunning for 10th anniversary but nah. I'll get too excited and might just give this to you in a month... Or less... What the fuck. I'm making no sense. I don't know how to edit this so might as well end it now before I shame myself further! 

Ummm yeah. That's it. I love you so much and thank you for being with me and loving me and accepting every single part of me and my fucking laptop's battery is dying so I need to stop this now."

I was already on the verge of tears as I stared at his young face--this boy that changed my life-- his hopes for us stabbing me closely, knowing that none of them pushed through.

"Hope this makes you cry." he jokingly said. "See you in the future." he added, making my tears eventually fall as I stared into the black screen as the video came to a close.


	28. Jump And Fall

I re-watched the video over and over for at least an hour.

My fingers brushed through the screen, the title that was simply my name seemed like a daunting image. I was so focused on the video that I only realised there was something in the description.

It was another link, labeled "Unsent Videos".

It led to what seemed like a dummy channel that he made, the video's publishing date was only a couple of hours before I received the first link. I clicked on the Pause button even before the video started playing, the question "why?'" just playing over and over in my head.

As soon as I gathered up my wits, I clicked Play.

A black slate labeled "a week after we broke up" came up on screen for 3 seconds before an actual video played. I saw 2009 Dan appearing onscreen, looking pale with dark circles under his eyes.

"(OC/n). I've been sending you messages for a week now. I was hoping that you'd changed your mind. I still don't get why... I mean, we were doing fine! A couple of weeks before we were playing Sonic here, right? Is it because I beat you? Is this some sick joke?" his voice was cracking but I could see how hard he was trying to be humourous. 

"Just tell me what's wrong. Is it because I'm not like all those guys you read in books? I can work out! I'll jog if you want me to. I'll write poetry. I... I'll get abs. Well... Not immediately but I'll do it if you want me to. Just... Let's not end it like this. Tell me what I'm doing wrong!" he was holding back tears now, his hands visibly shaking. 

"What the hell am I saying? I don't know why I'm filming this. This is crap." he was wiping his tears away harshly and the clip ended. 

It transitioned into another black slate with the words "your birthday 2010".

2010 Dan appeared onscreen, his university dorm room dimly lit.

"Happy birthday (OC/n)! I've been making Youtube videos for a couple of months now. Did you watch any of them? I hope you did. I hope they made you smile.

Are you still mad at me? It's been months but I still think about you. If you're doing okay or... I really wish you tell me why you wanted to end things. A sensible explanation will do because all those things you said before? I don't buy it." he wasn't looking at the camera anymore, as if he forgot that he was filming.

"I still love you." he sighed, before turning the camera off.

I was at a loss for words, my eyes fixed on the screen as another black slate appeared, the words "your birthday 2011".

2011 Dan was simply staring at the camera, an unreadable expression in his eyes. He looked resigned and worn out.

"Fuck this." he swore and that was it.

"My birthday 2012" the next slate read.

2012 Dan was obviously drunk when he appeared onscreen, his face red and his eyes groggy.

"I told myself that I would stop making these stupid videos because I don't even have the guts to send it but I'm a piece of shit so here I go again." he hissed, anger evident in his voice.

"You know what (OC/n)? I think I finally know why you broke up with me. It's because of this, isn't it? I'm an ambitious prick who can't even stand a law degree and just mindlessly followed my Youtube dream! You thought I was leaving you so you got to me first. Bravo!" he was clapping sloppily, tears rushing down his cheeks. He wiped them away furiously, slamming his hands on his desk when it wouldn't stop.

"Oh and maybe it was because of Phil, too! What the fuck did I ever do to the universe huh?!? Just because I found a best friend doesn't mean I can have someone else in my life! Like fuck! Who made those rules?! Is it because you think I chose Phil? Because you're wrong!

I didn't make a choice! You made it for me! You left! I didn't plan on choosing between either of you but you (OC/n), you decided by yourself! Just because I found Phil doesn't mean I suddenly didn't care about you anymore!" he was sobbing hardly and so was I, realising that he was right.

"And I'm talking shit again because I don't even know why I'm talking to this stupid camera, thinking that you get to hear me! Everything still hurts, you know? Everything..." His head hung low and then video shifted.

I wasn't greeted by another black slate but by present day Dan. He must've filmed this clip a few hours after I asked him to leave my flat, his clothes still the same and his eyes carried the same pained expression.

"You might be wondering why it stopped at 2012. It was because after a year of blaming myself and Youtube and Phil for what happened to us, I realised how understanding Phil was of the situation.

When he asked me numerous times why I was acting the way I was around him, I shouted at him, swore at him, and said things I regretted as soon as I said them. He was patient with me the entire time.

I'll apologise and do it again until one day, I crashed into years and years of anger and pain that when I broke down in front of him, he said that he understood everything. And I regretted blaming him so... So I told myself that I'll move on from you." he was looking directly at the camera and I could feel his stare piercing through me.

"And you know what? I tried so hard. I thought I actually managed it, to be honest." he chuckled softly. "But when I saw you again, everything--the pain, the guilt, the... the memories and... and what I feel for you rushed in."

He was fighting back tears, his hands balled into fists.

"I saw my future with you. And I saw my future with Phil. Why can't I have both?

You used to tell me that love comes in all forms. Why do you have to contradict yourself by making me feel like I can't both be with the girl I love and my bestfriend?" Dan was just sobbing now, a minute, then another and another passed.

"Phil told me that he would take the risk because he believes that our friendship can withstand anything. He also told me that knowing you and what you did assured him that there wasn't even a risk. He trusts you. Me. Us.

And... And I decided that he's right.

You gave us six years. You're willing to give us more... Even if it hurt you because you didn't want to break me and Phil. So I don't even remember why I was scared in the first place.

This time, everyone else involved is in with the decision. Me, Phil... How about you?"

His question hung in the air as the video ended and all I could see was my tearstained face reflected on the black screen.


	29. A New Light

I woke up in Dan's bed. 

Okay! Okay! Before you think of anything, nothing happened. 

Let's recap what happened a few hours earlier. 

***  
 _The BRITs has been over for an hour or so and I figured that with Dan in Sri Lanka and their pre-BRITs commitments, I haven't had time to answer his question: will I take the risk?_

_I immediately grabbed my coat, running off and leaving everything else. Yep. Even my phone._

_My mind was racing with thoughts of what I should do and what I should say, every single thing in the videos Dan sent me kept on flashing in my head, his words and Phil's finally sinking in._

_I started running, then smacked my head, realising that I should hail a cab instead._

_It was around 1AM and I know it's stupid and crazy but I didn't care. I wanted to see him and look at his eyes and give in to everything I have been repressing for the past six years._

_"Are you okay, miss?" the cabbie asked, probably confused as to why I was sniffling like crazy._

_"I... Yes. Never been better." I squeaked._

_When I reached their flat, I knocked and called impatiently. One of their neighbours shushed me._

_An hour passed and another, and I was slumping by the door, feeling exhausted. All of those days and weeks I spent crying finally taking a toll on my body._

***  
"Hey." I heard Dan say. He was in front of the mirror, straightening his hair.

"Hey." I replied, immediately covering my face with my hands. "Sorry... I didn't mean to..." 

He laughed like a wolf. "What the hell are you doing?" 

"What?" I asked, still covering my face. 

He unplugged the straightener and walked over to me, grinning. Taking away my hands from my face, he laughed ever harder. 

"It doesn't look that bad. Trust me." he said. 

I covered my mouth. Morning breath. Ewww. "Do you have an extra toothbrush that I could use?"

"I prepped everything you need in the bathroom." he said, still smiling. 

I smiled back shyly, standing up from the bed and walking to the door. 

"Hey. Come back here when you're done, okay? You have some explaining to do." Dan called and I secretly smiled. 

After fixing myself up (the toothbrush he laid out was in my favourite colour) and after trying so hard to actually look decent, I sighed. All my imperfections showed. I'm not one of those people who could bravely post a morning selfie and say "I woke up like this." 

"Stop all your shit, okay? You can do this. Right, Niall?" I told myself, nodding at Niall's face who was staring at me from the bathroom door. 

I shook my head, thinking of how silly I am before going back to Dan's room. 

"Hey." I greeted again as I saw him sitting on foot of the bed. "Where's Phil?" 

"Still asleep, I think. Or sticking his ear on the wall to eavesdrop." he chuckled, shrugging. That made me smile wider. 

He nodded towards the space beside him and I took my seat. 

"So... What're you doing outside our flat at 4AM in the morning?" he asked, amused. 

"Nothing really. Was just around the neighbourhood. Thought I'd stop by." I replied, smiling. 

Dan rolled his eyes. "At 4AM. Wow." 

I sighed. "Don't make this hard for me. You know why I'm here." 

"To be fair, with everything you've done and said for the past couple of months, I can't say I'm sure." he said, studying me. 

I was looking at my feet now, my heart thumping heavily. Ugh! Dan! 

Taking a deep breath, I bit my lip and looked up at him. "I... I..."

"Thank you." he suddenly said, trapping me in an embrace. 

I wrapped my arms around him, tears suddenly rushing down my face. He loosened his hold on me, looking down at my face. 

"Why in the world are you crying?" he exclaimed, laughing. 

"Shut up! You're ruining the moment." I told him, smiling. Yep. I cry laugh okay?

"What moment?" he joked, still grinning. 

He kissed my forehead and all I could do is smile like crazy. Then all of a sudden, we heard Phil chanting "yay" over and over. 

I looked up to Dan and he nodded as if to say "fine." 

He let go of me, smiling as I bounced off and headed out to ambush Phil in his bedroom. I saw Dan follow me and he leaned against the doorframe as Phil jumped in surprise when I greeted him with a hug. 

"What are you guys doing here?" Phil said, chuckling as he hugged me back. 

"Don't act all surprised. We heard you from my bedroom, you eavesdropper." Dan replied, laughing. 

Maybe things will start to get better from now on. 

 

 

Or will it?


	30. Plans

"Busy?" Dan asked, his voice sending a whiff of comfort even if it was just through Skype. 

"A bit. This is gonna be really boring for you." I told him through the small window at the lower right corner of my screen. 

He smiled. "Not really. This feels nice." 

I stopped typing, trying my hardest not to giggle like a five-year-old. "What does?" 

"That made your heart skip a beat, didn't it?" He teased, his grin growing wider. 

"I hate you." I replied, rolling my eyes. Somehow, having him back in my life makes everything a little less crazy. For the past couple of days, despite not having seen each other after we properly reconciled, it made me feel at ease. He calls or texts me from time to time and somehow, we don't have that petty 'make time for me' issues anymore.

Phil also pops in from time to time. I get random DMs and texts with emojis on them, making a long day suddenly refreshing. 

"I hate you too." he said back, laughing like an idiot. 

I smiled at him, just drinking in the image of his flushed face. He's just so beautiful. 

"What?" he asked. 

"Nothing." I replied. But all that was running through my head was how much I love him. 

"Can I... Can I go there later?" He was suddenly stuttering, his fingers fumbling over one another. 

My heart started beating fast and I didn't know why. Well... Maybe I did. My mind flew to a really, really... Erm... Crazy place. 

"Ummm... You don't have any plans?" I asked him, almost choking. 

"I will if you let me go there later." he replied, his voice low. Goddamit! What are trying to do to me? 

"Well... Okay. See you around what time?" I muttered, biting on my lip.

Something in his eyes flickered. "Be there at six." 

"Okay." I breathed, chewing on my tongue. Uuuuuggh! 

"Okay. Ummm... I'll..." he was at a loss for words and so was I. 

"Yeah. Um... Will just finish work." I replied, ending the video call as I did. 

"Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck...." I was screeching, jumping, flushed, and just shaking all at the same time that I tripped over and hit my elbow on the table. 

Blood everywhere, I just got a cut. 

"Real genius!" I yelped in pain, looking for a bandaid, my head still woozy from both the smell of the blood and the implications of Dan's words.


	31. Haven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey peeps! Thank you for the lovely response towards this fic. It still has a long way to go so I hope you keep on reading! Talk to me over at Tumblr and Youtube: throughtheparadox :)

Around 6PM, I heard someone knocking on my door. 

Dan. 

I took a deep breath, biting my lip as I went to greet him. I hope he wouldn't notice. 

"Hey... I... What happened?" his expression turned from glee to worry in a flicker of a moment, reading right through me. 

"Huh? Nothing. Ermmm... Come in." I left the door ajar, making my way to the living room. Sort of rude, I know. Ugh.

I felt Dan take a hold of my arm, his grip firm but not forceful. "Hey. Talk to me." 

"It's nothing." I muttered as I faced him, trying to put on a smile. "What do you want to eat? I can whip up something and--" 

"Really?" Dan quipped, crossing his arms on his chest. That made me laugh. 

"You look like an agitated aunt." I sniggered, rolling my eyes at him. 

"Just tell me." he whined, shaking me slightly by gripping my shoulders. I laughed even harder, the expression in his face just making him so.... well... in Phandom terms: squishy. 

Unconsciously, I reached for either side of his face, my feet tiptoeing to draw his face closer. 

Then, forgetting all my inhibitions, I kissed him. 

His lips was soft and warm and his eyes grew wide in surprise. It was quite awkward, since my glasses hit the bridge of his nose and it didn't last more than five seconds. I pulled away, grinning.

To my surprise, Dan flicked my forehead. 

"Ow!" I yelped. "What was that for?!?" 

"If you think that'll get my mind off the issue, you're wrong. Perv." he said the last word while suppressing laughter. 

I stomped my feet. "It's not... I'm not... Ugh! Dick!" 

He laughed, making his way to my couch. Patting the space beside him, he smiled at me in the hopes that I would follow him. 

Of course I did, sighing. 

I sat beside him with my arms crossed, my eyes elsewhere. Internally, I was laughing like crazy. 

But then I saw his expression become serious. He looked at me with those soft, brown eyes, knowing that even way before, that look made me spill everything that I was feeling. 

Ugh. 

"It was my parents, okay? They called me earlier. It's not really something to worry about but you know me. I overthink a lot. Plus, I'm... well... I'll almost have my period so PMS and shit like that!" I mumbled, not meeting his eyes. 

I felt like crying. And throwing a fit. Petty things that I only experience when 'those days' are about to come. 

"I remember how you used to cry when you lose in Tekken. That's how I knew you were on your period." he mused, chuckling. 

I gave him a soft punch on the arm, smiling as I did. 

He looked at me, raising his eyebrows as if to ask permission. I nodded, snuggling against his chest. His arms wrapped around me, his fingers trailing soft swirls on my arm. 

"Is the thing about your parents still the same as before?" he whispered, his lips at the crown of my head. 

"Yes... and no. It's just that they let me do my thing with work and all that but there are some days when things get a little too complicated and they say things. I don't know if which of the things they say from when they're happy or angry should I believe." I replied, relieved to get this out of my chest. For six years, I've never had a confidant. 

"Just know that when things get crazy for you or if you just want to talk about things, I'm here." Dan said quietly. 

I could feel his chest rising and falling and the comfort just fills me. Out of everything, this is what I missed the most about him. This familiarity that allows me to just breathe without fear of being told off.


	32. Everything I Am

"No." I replied firmly. 

"Why not?" Dan asked, agitated. 

He told me that he and Phil are going to hang out with some of their Youtuber friends and I kept on saying no. I'm not comfortable being around people who are already acquainted with one another and they may be nice but I just don't feel like I should waltz in without a proper invitation. 

Dan, on the other hand, kept on assuring me that everything will be okay. I insisted that I prefer it if we keep 'us' between me, him, and Phil. I don't know why but I want whatever we have to just stay private... Solemn... 

I don't know if I'm making sense, okay?!?

"But I want to tell them all about you!" Dan hissed, clearly getting upset. 

"Really? So we have to recap those six years plus the three years we were together. Hmmm... I don't know, Dan. Seems to me like it's something we shouldn't go telling people just like that." I spat back, crossing my arms against my chest. 

"But Phil knows!" Dan shouted.

"Why am I getting dragged into this?" Phil squeaked, raising his hands as if to claim surrender. 

"Because he's Phil! He knows from the beginning!" I shouted back. 

"It's so hard to not talk about you!" Dan growled. 

"You did it for six years! Why are you trying to change that now?" I rolled my eyes. 

"That was different! We're together again now!" Dan's face was turning red from anger. 

Phil stood up and started to calm us both down. "Hey. You do realise that this isn't something you should argue about... Erm... Dan... We can keep this from the others. (OC/n) has a point." 

Dan started to protest and I was about to brag but Phil shot us both a look. "BUT! Maybe in the near future, we can tell them who you are and that you two are back together. Right?" 

"I just don't see what the problem is." Dan muttered before storming out to head to his room. 

Phil met my eyes. "Sorry you have to witness this pettiness." I told him. 

"Don't worry. You go and talk to him." Phil replied, smiling. 

I sighed and nodded, making my way to Dan's room. 

"Hey." I knocked. "Open up." 

Dan opened the door, glaring at me. He moved away from the door and slumped down his bed, his back to me. 

"I just... I don't feel comfortable with it. Telling people about us. I mean, you've always been the private one. I don't get why this is even an issue." I told him, sitting on the side of the bed. 

"I don't know. I just... I don't even know why but it angers me." he mumbled. 

"You're such a nerd." I muttered. "I just... I'm good with you and Phil at the moment. Too many people is just too much for me." 

He turned over and faced me, his face nuzzling my thigh and his arms wrapping around my waist. I could feel heat rising up my cheeks. 

"I know. I'm sorry." he whispered, his eyes closed. 

I stroked his cheek, my fingers brushing against his long eyelashes. He opened his eyes, his brown eyes soft and... 

He slowly raised his head, his hands cupping my cheeks. He took away my glasses and placed them on his bedside table, his finger brushing my lips. 

"I love you." he whispered before kissing me. Briefly, he looked at me as if to ask if I would like to lie down with him. I slid down to his side and he pulled me in closer before our lips met again. 

My fingers curled against his hair, his body leaning over me. I could feel my heart racing like crazy. 

He closed the distance between us and I could feel his hitching breath against my own chest. His lips grew more and more passionate as we kissed and I tried my best to keep up. When our lips parted, he was grinning like a 2 year old. 

"What?" I asked him, smiling. 

His eyes looked sleepy, his smile ear to ear. "I missed this. Last time we kissed like this, you were crying." he murmured, reminding me of that moment we had at my flat. 

"It's because you were asking so many questions." I replied, brushing away a curling strand on his forehead. 

He smiled at me and dipped down again for another kiss. His fingers ran circles on my arm, his lips steady and smooth against my own. I couldn't help myself so I bit him slightly on the lips, causing him to grin even wider. 

"Don't do that." he mumbled against the kiss. 

"Do what?" I asked shyly. Looking away from him, I bit my lip trying to keep calm despite the situation. Still, with his body pressed against mine, it was hard to concentrate. 

He kissed the side of my face, from my temple to my cheek and down to my jawline, and I tried my hardest not to whimper. 

"Are you okay?" Dan whispered in my ear, making me shiver. 

"Yes." I replied, almost out of breath. My hands were trembling against his back, my fingers gripping at his shoulders. 

He gently held me by the chin and made me face him, his eyes looking at me dreamily. "Is it... Ummm... Is it okay if..." 

I hesitated. Is he talking about.... Does he want to... I am not prepared! I didn't even shave my armpits or my legs or... Is he... Asdfjklfmfmksjsndjfnd what should I do? Dammit! 

His hands were shaking slightly, his cheeks flushed. "It's been a long time and... I feel like we're starting from scratch so... I'm not sure if it's okay if... You know..." 

I bit my lip, trying to suppress a smile. 

"I don't want to force you or anything..." he continued, his voice barely a whisper. 

I cupped his cheeks, meeting his eyes. "I missed you." was all I managed to say. 

"Dammit." he hissed, grinning as he kissed me again, his lips moving much more passionately than before. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers playing with the curling strands of hair on his nape. His hands were pulling me closer, his fingers warm against the skin just above the waistband of my jeans. 

"Dan..." I breathed. "I... I'm not prepped for this tbh." 

That made him laugh. "I've seen your 15 year old body. How could this be any worse?" he joked, giving my nose a soft, playful pinch. 

"Actually, I think I look a lot better then." I replied shyly, not meeting his eyes. 

I gained a lot of weight since I was 15. I'm a bit doughy in the middle, I'm a 34B gal, my hips are way to chunky, and seriously... You wouldn't want me listing more. 

Dan, on the other hand, no longer has a body of a boy. Sure, he doesn't have an underwear model's abs, he doesn't have a surfer's cut and all that but his shoulders are broader and his body is a lot more adult now. 

Still, when Dan saw my hesitation, he kissed me on the forehead. 

"Do you want this?" he asked.

"I do." I replied. 

"Just not right now?" he asked again, softly. 

"I... I don't know. It feels right. Now." I whispered shyly. "But..." 

"Just tell me. I'll be fine with it. Because I don't really care if you want it now, three years from now, or whatever. I don't care if you've prepared or if you're wearing... I don't know... Dora The Explorer underwear. Jeez, I might even be wearing my Sonic ones now..." he laughed at that. "But all that matters to me is that if you want this. Me. Because I'm sure I want every piece of you." 

"That sounds cannibalistic." I joked, smiling up at him. 

He laughed softly. "Shit. You caught me." 

Grazing my lips with his tongue, Dan looked at me one last time for permission. I grinned at him, nodding, and his smile turned dangerously smug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dears! Will be posting a Chapter 32.5 with all the smutty smut smut but if you're not into that or you're too young (control yourself kiddo), then just skip. Hope you're still loving this. Lemme know. xoxo, A.


	33. Everything I Am (EXTRA)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you start reading, I would just want to apologise in advance because I'm crap at writing smut. Still hope you enjoy though. Lol.

"Wait! Let's set the mood." Dan said, jumping out of bed and locking the door. 

One moment he was smirking seductively, then suddenly, he looks like an overly excited puppy. Adorable!

He turned off the lights, lit his amber lamp on and the fairy lights on his headboard. I was laughing so much. This nerd. 

He grabbed me by the waist when he came back to bed. His lips found their way to the space between my ear and my jaw, his soft kisses sending a smile to my face. 

I turned to kiss his forehead, the bridge of his nose, and his lips. He returned my kisses fervently, his hands sliding down my arms, down to the hem of my shirt. 

"Are you okay?" he whispered. 

Instead of replying, I pulled him in for another kiss, my teeth tugging playfully on his lips. That made him grip my shirt a little tighter. I started to kiss him on the chin, down to his jaw, and I stroked his neck with my finger before planting a kiss. 

"I hate you sometimes." he mused, shivering when I kissed him there. 

"At least not all the time." I giggled before pulling him closer again. 

My fingers started to lift Dan's shirt to his shoulders and he shook it off him. I stared at him, his chest smooth and pale. He was looking at me from under his lashes, his arms about to cover himself probably out of habit. 

"Don't." I told him, catching his hands midway. 

With that, slowly started to lift my shirt as well. His face was unreadable when he saw me in just my bra and deep inside, I was nervous as heck. 

"I thought you said you weren't prepared." Dan said, smiling, his lips planting a kiss on my collarbone. 

His fingers trailed on the edges of my black bra and I shivered against his touch. 

"Wait 'til you see the entire thing before you assume." I told him shyly, sighing at his touch.  
.  
At that, he started to tug on my jogger jeans, sliding it down to my feet. I squirmed, not sure how to twist or turn in embarrassment. 

Dan started laughing. "Seriously? What are you? Nine?" 

Dammit. I knew it. I was wearing purple boyshorts with circles and flowers in pink and yellow. 

I pouted and started to tug on his sweatpants, frowning in dismay. He was wearing Calvin Kleins. 

"So unfair." I muttered. 

"What's unfair? I didn't plan this." he replied, still sniggering like an idiot. 

He pulled me up so that I was sitting on the balls of my feet as he was and he put his arms around me as I did on his neck. My heart pounded as his lips arduously moved in unison with mine, our kisses growing hungrier and hungrier. 

Dan found his way down to my neck, his fingers fumbling over the clasp of my bra. As it rolled off my shoulders, his big hands cupped my breasts intimately, kneading them softly, making me bite my lip to suppress a moan. 

My lips met his bare shoulder and there was something so inviting about his soft skin that made me want to bite him there, my tongue rolling over the slight marks I was making. 

Hearing Dan let out a sigh sends a wave of relief. My fingers trailed up and down his smooth back as my mouth played around his neck. He pushed me slightly so that I was on my back and he was hovering over me, a mischievous smile on his face surfacing as he closed his lips on my taut nipple, his other hand sliding slowly down my sides. 

I gripped onto his hair, which is now curling from sweat, my chest rising and falling at the feeling of desire. 

I could feel his tongue playfully rolling over my breasts, his one hand tugging on my underwear. He looked up at me and looked away shyly. 

Dan lifted himself so that his face was on the same level as mine and he kissed me on the nose softly. 

I gathered all of my strength and courage and rolled him over, kissing him down to his neck, to his chest, down to his abdomen. Gulping, I took off my boyshorts that trailed down to my ankles when Dan tugged them and I started to put my hands on the garter of his underwear. 

He was obviously already hard and I could't bear to look at his face when I pulled away his Calvin Klein's to expose his erection. I could feel how hot my face was when greeted by his...thing. 

It wasn't like the last time... I mean, our last time. It was... Well... It adult-ed. Same as him. 

I felt like I was going to disappoint him so I wanted to step up a little. With my shaking hands, I was about to touch his member, licking my lips nervously. To my surprise, Dan called my attention. 

"Don't. You don't have to. I know you never really liked those sort of things." he said softly, his arms stretched wide as if calling me for an embrace. 

I rose up to meet his face and he brushed away the loose strands away from my eyes. He kissed me again, leaning me down the bed on my back, his body pressing against mine. 

He was warm and careful, as if I was to break. 

"Are you ready?" he whispered between our kisses and I nodded. 

Slowly, he thrusted inside me, whispering over and over that if I want him to stop then I should just say so. I squirmed underneath him, the pain starting to pierce through me. I didn't go out with anyone else besides Dan so in those six years... Well... Nothing. 

Sorry. TMI?

I was holding on to Dan tightly, my fingers curling against his back and nape. He filled me up completely, looking at me with both desire and worry. 

"Tell me if you want me to stop." he murmured against my forehead. 

"No. I'm fine." I breathed. 

Slowly, I started to adjust to his length, the pain disappearing through a wave of pleasure. Sighing his name, my body responded against his thrusts. Hearing Dan panting softly against my ear felt like ecstasy. 

He pushed faster and faster, my fingers clawing at his back, both of us almost breathless. 

I crushed my lips to his, almost a little to forceful. Gripping him by the shoulder, I pushed him to the side, our connection momentarily breaking before I started to straddle him, moaning as I pushed myself down to him. 

Dan gasped, his hands tightening around my waist. 

"The things you do to me..." he breathed, smiling. 

I kissed his forehead, my arms wrapping around his neck once more, fingers playing with his damp hair. Slowly, I started to grind on him and he met my movements, causing him to go deeper and deeper inside me. 

I continued what I was doing as Dan started nipping on my neck and shoulders, sucking on my skin causing it to bruise. With my mouth near his ear, I took it upon myself to playfully tug it with my teeth, causing him to whimper. 

He rolled me over again, taking control as he pounded against me faster and harder, his lips kissing me as fiercely as his movements. 

"Dan... Oh... Shit..." I was cussing softly, evident that I was at the brink of my release. 

Dan's hold on me grew firmer, his eyes half-closed as he breathed "I love you" on my ear. 

He pulled out of me just in time of both our release, collapsing on top of me with his arms holding onto my body as if I would disappear. Catching his breath, he raised his face to kiss me on the forehead, making me smile weakly. 

I rested my head on his shoulder, both of us panting heavily. 

"I love you too." I replied as I ran my fingers across his chest, looking up to see his sleepy smile.


	34. The Last Light

"Hmmm..." I stirred slightly, feeling Dan's arms around me. 

I looked up and saw his sleeping face, his adorable hobbit hair plastered on his forehead. A huge grin started to spread across my silly face. 

It was already dark outside and my tummy started grumbling that I decided to carefully wriggle out of Dan's hug and pick my clothes from the floor. As I finished dressing myself up, I planted a soft kiss on his forehead. 

"Where are you going?" Dan murmured sleepily. 

"I'll just get some water. Brb." I whispered, kissing him softly on the lips. He smiled before snuggling his pillow again. 

I let myself out, heading to their kitchen. There, I bumped into Phil who jumped in surprise when he turned around and saw me, his laptop in his hands, his ears covered with earphones and his mouth holding a cookie. 

"You scared me!" he yelped as I almost died laughing. 

"You should've seen your face!" I exclaimed, wiping the tears off my eyes. 

Phil pulled his earphones off and pouted. "You're as mean as Dan." 

"Hey! I'm not THAT mean." I joked and we laughed again. 

"Cookie?" Phil offered. 

I nodded and took one from the bag, spotting the animé Phil was watching. 

"The new episode is out?!?" I exclaimed and Phil grinned, nodding. 

"Let's head to the lounge!" Phil chanted, pointing out dramatically as if we were explorers. 

We slumped back to the sofa and I noticed Phil studying me. 

"What?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. 

Phil was trying to suppress a grin. "So... You and Dan made up?" 

I nodded, pursing my lips. "Were you here in the lounge the entire time?" 

Phil laughed and that made my heart thump nervously. Did he hear me and Dan....?

"I was wearing noise-cancelling earphones the entire time." he replied, grinning. "Why?" 

This is a mischievous smile that Phil doesn't often show the internet. This guy! 

"What?" I asked, feeling my face turning red. 

"Nothing! I was just... That was a long discussion." Phil teased, bursting into laughter. 

I gritted my teeth and was about to protest when I saw their clock. 

"Oh jeez! It's late! Your friends would arrive any minute!" I panicked, jumping off my seat. 

"Don't worry. I told them we could postpone it. We didn't have anything special planned anyways. You and Dan needed to sort things out so I called them earlier." Phil simply said, as if it was no big deal. I didn't know why but tears started to well up my eyes. 

"Phiiiiiil!" I murmured, wiping my eyes. Phil's eyes widened in surprise. 

"Hey! Why are you crying?!" Phil set his laptop aside and started patting my shoulders. 

"You didn't have to... Awww..." I was weeping, which seemed senseless. Maybe it was because I was guilty of how relieved and happy I felt. I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't be this selfish. This was about their friends after all. 

I furiously wiped my eyes when I heard Dan calling my name from the corridor. 

"Phil, where's-- what's going on?" Dan asked, rubbing his eyes. He had his shirt thrown over his shoulder, making me blush. 

"(OC/n) started crying when I told her I cancelled our plans tonight. I don't know why!" Phil whined, still patting my shoulder.

Dan laughed as he put on his shirt, leaning down as he took me in his arms. "I know why! This nerd!" 

"Huh?" Phil asked. 

"She's touched. This is what people with no friends go through." Dan was howling with laughter now and Phil joined in. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in between them, crying like an idiot. 

"I hate you both." I muttered, trying to hit them with my fists. That made them laugh harder. 

I know I look stupid, smiling with tears rushing down my cheeks. Those six years feeling lost and confused? All worth it. 

"So... How did your TALK go?" Phil suddenly spouted, grinning at Dan. 

Dan and I looked at each other, both of us turning red. 

"PHIIIIIL!" we squealed, the three of us laughing like there's no tomorrow. 

But happiness is never infinite.


	35. Crippled

I haven't talked to Dan in weeks. 

He was busy doing collabs, filming with Phil, prepping up for the tour and I, on the other hand, is still the same old me. 

The past couple of days has been crippling. Ever since I was young, I've had the tendency to overanalyse things. I think about life's circumstances in a way that doesn't even cross other people's minds. Dan once said that we were alike that way and that's why we understood each other so much. 

However, sometimes, both of us being like that could be toxic. 

Back when we were seventeen, we go from one conversation to another that revolves around cynicism and... well... that's the reason for the existential crisis tbh. Maybe that's why when I saw how he was with Phil, it also made me decide to leave them alone. Both of them balanced each other out. Meanwhile, I somehow tolerate the darkness that usually cloud Dan's mind.

Coming back into his life, I know that he was better now. He was happy and his thoughts were much less anxious than before. And I find myself questioning whether or not am I healthy for him. 

I still wallow in my own troubles and I'm still in that path where my life is nowhere near happiness as compared to Dan. Again, the feelings of dragging him down was just as familiar as the day I walked out on him six years ago. 

It's crazy. I mean having Dan in my life should feel amazing, right? That's the logical thing to feel. But I felt like loving him was my only tether to happiness. 

To other people, that may seem enough. That may seem romantic even. But I felt like it's selfish to be like this. 

Dramatic? Yes. But also my truth. 

Dan loves me and that means he'll stand by me no matter what. Phil is also a remarkable friend, who also sheds his light in my somewhat twisted outlook on life. But how about me? What am I doing to save myself?


	36. Eyes See, Hearts Feel

I was staring at Dan's sleeping face, his long and thick eyelashes fluttering slightly as he dreamed. 

He and Phil invited me over, telling me that they wanted a day to rest from filming, doing collabs, and planning the tour and it'll be fun if we hung out. I agreed. 

After watching a lot of movies and playing games on their Xbox, we decided to call it a night. I noticed how Dan was glancing at me the entire time. 

"Hey. It's late. You should stay the night." Phil offered, eyeing me and Dan with concern. 

"Yeah. You could sleep in my room." Dan murmured, obviously bothered as well. 

I simply nodded and gave Phil a small hug before he headed off to his own bedroom. Dan laid out a towel for me, as well as his grey shirt. I can't help but wonder what's worrying both of them but I'm too shy to ask. Maybe it was something else. I shouldn't be too full of myself. Ugh. 

"I'm not sure if I have anything you could use for bottoms that could fit though." he said, scratching the back of his head. 

"I think this'll stretch long enough though." I replied, nodding towards the shirt.

I was washing my face when I felt his arms wrap around my waist, his head resting on my back. I didn't know if there was something I did that threw him off. It's just that my thoughts kept on haunting my mind for weeks now. But I wasn't thinking of those today so I doubt that crossed my face the entire time we were together. 

"Dan. I'm done." I told him, trying to wriggle out of his embrace to reach for the towel. To my surprise, he flinched. 

"What?" he asked, despair evident in his eyes. 

I stared at him curiously as I patted my wet face with the towel. "I...? I said I was done cleaning up. We could head to bed now." 

He let out a sigh of relief. "Oh. Okay..." 

I was twirling slightly, feeling the hem of his grey shirt on my thigh. His shirt feels so nice on my skin. It smells like him, too. 

Out of habit, he took of his shirt before lying down in bed. After all these years, he still found it uncomfortable sleeping with a shirt on. I blushed furiously, thankful that the room was already dim. I laid down beside him and rested my head on his bare chest. His arms held me tightly. 

"What's wrong?" he asked me, his lips against my ear making me shiver. 

"What do you mean?" I asked him, pulling him close. He's so warm. 

He remained silent that I decided to look up at him. It was dark so I couldn't see his expression. 

"Hey... What's going on?" I asked, worried. 

His arms grew tighter around my body. "Why do I feel like you're going to leave again?" 

My heart skipped a beat, his words making my chest hurt. I don't understand what he was saying but knowing Dan, he might have a better look at things more that I do. 

"Where'd you get that idea?" I asked him, my voice cracking. 

"I don't know. There's just this look that you have that's the same as before." he said sadly. 

If anyone asks me why I love Dan, it was because of this. He sees me more than I see myself and I understand how painful that could be.


	37. Doubts And Dreams

Dan has left for America. 

It'll be a quiet couple of months, his last words for me ringing in my ears. 

_This time I'll understand. But I want us to decide together, okay?_

It's already come to the point when we realised we are no longer the teenagers who fell in love once before. It doesn't mean that Dan and I wasted all these years silently yearning for each other only to realise that we were never really in love. It was the opposite of that. It was the idea of us growing up that made us come to a conclusion that love isn't just what we're made of. 

I'm still shaking, still lost, still confused with my life. Dan, on the other hand, has already made his way into the world. He's already reached that dream we used to share as naive teens. Some people might think it's jealousy. That I am jealous because without me he became someone as I remained to be a nobody. And I was scared to think that maybe I am. 

But Dan, being the smarter one, told me I was wrong. 

We could ride into the sunset with everything he's got. He was willing to take me under his wing but never made the offer because he knew I would get mad at him for even suggesting the idea. 

He knows it's not because being "Dan Howell's girlfriend" wouldn't be enough for me. 

He knows that it's not because I wouldn't want people to think I'm a dependent gold digger who will take advantage of him.

He knows that just like him, living my life passionately and happily was something I have always dreamed of.

_This time I'll understand. But I want us to decide together, okay?_

But that's the thing. It'll hurt again. I'll hurt him again. 

And this time, I'm not sure if we'll be given another chance. 

He knows that maybe this love that we have could lead to both of us being strained by pride, anger, and frustration if I don't set out on my own. 

He knows me better than I know myself.


	38. Whenever You're Ready

Thousands and thousands of photos on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr. 

My teenage self would've probably squealed and cried in rage from not hearing from Dan for months. Being on tour meant he's busy doing rehearsals, meet ups, and the occasional hanging out with his other friends along with Phil. I smile as I imagined my old self squirming in anger. 

But we're not kids anymore so that's one thing to put out there. Seeing all of these somehow gives me more and more courage each day to do what I have to do. 

What he knows I have to do. 

Earlier today, I received a message from Dan telling me that he'll call me via Skype later. As excited as I am to talk to him after weeks of just following what he's been up to through a fan's eyes, I can't think of anything to say. 

I've been anxiously waiting for a notification ever since I received his message. 

*PLOP*

That weird, squiggly sound of Skype's notif popped out of my taskbar and I sighed, trying to plaster on a smile before answering his video call. 

"Hey..." he greeted, his face tired but cheery. I could see the dark circles under his eyes, thinking how he considered the 5 hour time difference to work against my advantage and not his. 

"You should be sleeping. You'll be travelling again tomorrow." I replied, grinning as I took in the image of his lazy eyes and his unkempt hair. 

"Me and Phil had been eating sugar for days! The energy just keeps us both up at night." he shook his head, a faint smile still visible on his lips. "He wants to say hi, by the way."

"Oh please!" I said and Dan started to switch his laptop to the other side. Phil appeared on camera, laying flat against his bed, snoring. 

Dan's face peeped onscreen and I saw his giggling face. 

"You are so mean!" I said with my voice hushed, trying to stifle a laugh. 

"He really did want to say hi earlier but..." he replied, still grinning. He turned the laptop back to him and breathed out a sigh. 

"Are you doing okay?" he asked, suddenly worried. 

I smiled. "Yeah... yeah... I really don't want to talk about other stuff while you're away. I didn't want to affect your tour and..."

"Hey... I'm a man now. I can handle it." Dan replied, a sad smile spreading across his face. "I sort of knew this was coming... knowing you."

I'm just staring at his face now, annoyed at how the screen couldn't really capture the exact colour of his eyes or every detail of his curling hair or... And just like that, I felt tears rushing down my cheeks. I wiped it furiously as soon as it fell. 

"After all these years, I still... I still love you. The way you overthink, the way you don't trust people, the way you can be crazy, and misunderstood, and all that shit. And I understand because you somehow found your way back to me who is also like that. Cheesy, I know. Us together is enough to destroy the universe." Dan simply said, lowering his eyes. 

I could feel myself shaking. "It's not just because of pride, you know."

"I know." Dan replied. "I've found what I wanted to do and you want that for yourself. I get that."

"I just want to be whole. I don't want to depend on you all the time to make me feel okay." I feel stupid hearing the things spilling out of my mouth but I know it's the truth. 

I looked up and saw Dan trying to hide his face. He was wiping his eyes, looking back at me with his eyes brimming red and his smile weak. 

"I know. I know. Does it have to be now? Do you need a headstart?" he joked with his voice breaking. I felt a heavy tug against my chest. 

I shook my head over and over, hoping that when we decide for the right time, at least I get to feel his arms around me. Not like this. Not again. "Just a little more time." I replied.

"Okay. Whenever you're ready..." I heard Dan whisper from across the screen, his eyes brimming with tears. 

I couldn't bear the look on his face so I ended the call abruptly and messaged him, "I don't think I'll ever be." before signing off for the night.


	39. Short Time Back Home

He's home. For now. 

I don't know why I'm fidgeting like crazy but it's been a while since I've seen him. He's back in London with Phil to rest for a bit, prepare some things, and pack more clothes before heading to Australia to continue their tour. 

With cold hands, I rang their bell. 

"HEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!" Phil greeted with his arms wide open. We hugged, him smelling like a certain sweet, campfire-y candle scent. 

"Missing American pancakes yet?" I mused, smiling widely at him. Phil's eyes shone widely and he laughed, nodding. Oh how I missed hanging out with him. 

"Phiiiiil? Who's that?" We heard Dan's voice echoing through the stairs. It's a bit frazzling to hear his voice after so long. There's a certain ache and joy that builds up inside of me as I stood there. 

"Erm... Pizza." Phil replied, giggling. We made our way into their lounge silently, both of us with the idea of trolling Dan. 

"I didn't know you ordered pizza." I heard Dan say as I hid by the doorframe. 

Phil raised his eyebrows at me and I popped on the door. "Good, because I didn't bring any." I chimed. 

Dan rolled his eyes at me and Phil, laughing. "Seriously? You think you two could troll me?" He stood up and before I could even say anything, I was trapped in his arms. The smell of soap, a hint of musky perfume, and the scent of fresh laundry invited me to bury my face deeper into his chest. Phil whimpered. 

"You two are the British version of American pancakes drizzled in a lot of syrup!" Phil joked. 

"And that's why you like hanging out with us." Dan replied grinning, his cheeks apparently as red as mine. He slid his hand to mine and tugged me over to sit beside him as he slithered into his sofa crease. 

His hand was gripping mine almost too earnestly and I figured he's just as nervous as I am. 

"When will you leave?" I asked. 

"Well, we just got back." he murmured, looking at me as if he was taking in every detail of my face. "Phil, we'll be in my room, okay?" 

Phil nodded, his eyes on his laptop and if I'm not mistaken, he was indulging in a lot of baby animal videos. "Taking out my noise-cancelling earphones just in case." 

Dan tossed his head slightly towards their bedrooms and I followed him. Every step felt like prickling needles and when he closed the door with his back to me, I could literally see the front of my shirt thumping with my heartbeat. 

"Dan, what's---" to my surprise, I was knocked off my feet when he tackled me to his bed. 

"Can't breathe..." I whimpered, under him and he rolled over to his side, laughing. "I hate you."

He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, the ghost of his smile still lingering in his lips. "I know what you're thinking. And I think I have everything figured out... Because I'm not losing you again."

What is he talking about? Is it because of our current dilemma? Or, to phrase it more honestly, my personal dilemma that I'm making him deal with. I could see the resolve in his eyes, afraid of what he has to say. But if there's someone I trust, that's got to be him. 

"Well?" I asked, my voice somehow breaking. 

He drew in closer, his face inches away from mine. 

"Let's just get this out of the way first." he whispered, his eyes fluttering from my eyes to my lips, his arms slowly taking me in.


	40. "I Won't Lose You Again"

We were lying on our backs, his fingers softly touching mine. 

When he kissed me earlier, his was holding me closely, steady hands against my shaking shoulders. I felt a tear go down my cheeks, then another, and another and Dan never let me go. 

This is probably the most cliche thing that I will probably say but what did I ever do to deserve him? 

Now, you all are probably confused as to what's going on and what are we even worrying about when after so many years we're already back together. 

Well, it's because I'm a little shit. 

I'm not jealous of Dan (and Phil)'s success. But to others, I'm sure that's how it will look like. The thing is, though, I just don't want to be a burden to him. And I don't want to be dependent on him. Dan may still be lost in some areas (because of his infamous but ever-present existential crisis) but at least he can say that he's happy with his life so far. I can't say the same about me. I can't-- don't want to-- shouldn't settle for Dan being the only source of happiness in my life. Because I feel like I'm selfish if I let him worry about me forever. It's because I know that when things don't work my way, he'll always have that burden of trying to pick me up. 

But I want to do that for myself. On my own. And I'm thankful because he understands that. 

"Hey..." he whispered. 

"Yes?" I replied. 

He rolled over his side and I did so too to meet his eyes. "I know you wanted to take a pause. I know you want to take things your own way and I get that. You're strong like that." 

I gave him a weak smile. 

His brown eyes were soft but steady as he held out his arms to pull me closer. "But what makes you think that leaving me again will make things better?"

"Why do you ask questions you already know the answers to?" I replied, laughing slightly. It's just so hard not to love him because of little things like this. 

He smiled, his dimple surfacing his cheek that made me involuntarily reach for his face. 

"Because I don't get why we have to leave each other again. I know you're crazy but you can be super mega crazy sometimes." he laughed. 

Then he held my gaze and said, "I went on tour and I'll leave again for at least a month. I won't bother you if you want, even when I come back I won't call you or something but I just want to hold on to the fact that we're still together. I won't try to spoil you or force you into things. But let me support you with whatever it is that you want to do until you find a career that will make you happy. It's just--- I won't lose you again. "

And just like that, I made Daniel James Howell cry. Again.


	41. Farewell, Not Goodbye

"So... today's the day..." Dan mumbled, fumbling over his luggage for some last minute packing. Sure, he could've done it earlier but he just finished filming an Internet Support Group video and tons of other "should-not-do-before-a-trip-to-Australia" activities tbh.

"Yep." I sighed, sitting on their couch as I watched him and Phil dart back and forth to the lounge and their bedrooms. I was looking at him, racking my brain for something... anything... But I just can't seem to do anything else but just stare at him. 

He left the room again and this time Phil sat next to me, giving me a nudge. At least Phil had all his luggage ready to go.

"So... You two made up?" Phil asked, being all smiley and adorable. 

"Well, it wasn't exactly a fight." I told him shyly. 

"Dan's been pretty sazzed these past few days so I figured everything went well." Phil replied. 

I looked at him, eyebrows raised. "Sazzed? Really?" We both laugh. 

"You two are really complicated sometimes. But I'm happy that you guys are like that. Don't leave again, please." he mused in all seriousness. 

I looked away, trying to hold back tears. "You're making me cry, Phil."

Phil gasped, his hand finding their way to cover his mouth in panic. "Oh... I didn't mean... I just..."

I nodded, smiling softly. "I know... It's just... Thank you. For being nice to me. For being Dan's friend. Everything."

Phil pouted. "Now you're making me cry."

We laugh again, both our eyes shining from unshed tears. Phil wiped his eyes and checked his watch. "Dan, hurry up! Just got a text from the driver, he's almost here!"

We heard a squeal. The sound was like from a dying animal.

"Dan, you okay?" Phil asked. 

"Yep! Be right there!" Dan shouted, his voice cracking. Phil and I shrugged. 

"Oops! Driver's almost here." Phil told me, leaving out the door to check. 

I heard Dan struggling from the hall and when he reappeared on the doorway, I noticed that one of his eyes was obviously irritated by something. By the looks of it, he seems like he just washed his face. Was he crying?

"You okay?" I asked. 

"Yup." he replied, covering one of his eyes with his hands. Maybe he's crying, idek. This nerd. 

"So..." I mused. "Don't you think you'll be late for your flight?"

"We still have a couple of minutes to spare..." Dan said, taking Phil's place beside me and holding my hand.

I was looking at him, my heart beating faster than it should. It wasn't out of nervousness or fear, it was something else. Something great. I was so lost in the moment that I brushed off that inaudible voice calling from outside the room. I think I even heard a car honking from outside the building. 

"You think you'll be okay here?" he asked. 

"I love you." I blurted out, feeling the necessity. 

His expression changed from worry, to surprise, to a shy smile that was just adorable.

"I love you too." he replied, still grinning. "Thanks."

I blinked in curiousity, wondering why he was thanking me. 

"Huh?" 

He leaned forward, taking his time, his lips meeting my forehead, the bridge of my nose, my lips.

I've never kissed anyone back so fervently.

"Just thanks." he whispered, his eyes blinking unnaturally.

I smiled. "In that case, thank you too." I held his face. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong with your ey..."

"Are you a voyeur or something?" Dan suddenly said, and I noticed that Phil was panting by the doorway, forehead slicked with sweat. I, on the other hand, was blushing furiously. 

"Look at you lovebirds!" Phil mused. "So this is why you can't hear me calling from the door. The car's here."

"Already?" Dan freaked, darting to his bedroom to grab a couple more things.  


"Ummmm... you guys will be late! You should go!" I squealed. I think I heard Dan say something like "my muffin" before panting out with his luggage and a couple more bags. 

As I tried to shove them down the stairs to the door, and to my surprise, Dan crushed his body to me, his embrace filling every inch of my body.

"You two will cause me to overdose in sweetness more than my pancake addiction." Phil commented, shaking his head as he laughed.

"We'll be back soon. I'll see you, okay?" Dan whispered to my ear. I nodded against his chest. 

"Ummmm guys...." Phil said, his foot already out the door. Their service car started to honk furiously. 

"Alright let's go Philly! A short stop in Hongkong and we'll be mingling with the koalas!" Dan exclaimed, a hand to his face and a weird expression on his face. I heard him groan as he entered the car. Phil gave me a swift hug before going in after Dan. 

As I watch their car disappear from the other end of the road, one thing crossed my mind. Unlike our many times of walking away from each other, this time is simply farewell... not goodbye.


	42. The Beginning Of The End

Another morning with my phone waking me up. 

It keeps on vibrating as I open, a bunch of notifications flooding in. I swipe them all off in a blatant attempt to just stare at one thing: him. 

His photo almost blinded me but I still greeted it with a smile. Daniel with that smile that sent my heart fluttering to a million pieces, making me smile with the mere memory of it. 

That's the thing though, about waking up. You feel disoriented and confused, stuck between the land of dreams and reality. And it made me wonder, what has been going on? And why am I telling you all this? 

Who's to say if everything I told you was real? Who's to say it's not? Who's to say that maybe this is nothing but a dream? But who's to claim that it didn't really happen? 

It's a great thing to be loved by Dan, a good feeling to be a friend of Phil, but who's to say I wasn't just making it all up to compensate for what might have been? Or what I wish to happen? I ask all of these questions as soon as I wake up. And with me telling you all this, I think it's fair to say that we are already friends... right? 

So as I open this notification that reads "i tripped over on the plane and we immediately hit turbulence which i know was just a coincidence but wow bad timing for my confidence", which signals he's almost home.

To be honest, I could feel a weird sense in my stomach, the urge to throw up starts to whirl inside me out of nervousness? Excitement? Still, I'm a little bit drowsy.

I think by now you're confused. And as I said, that's how waking up works. It confuses us, confines us, makes us see a new day while we still miss the land of dreams. 

With that said, I hope everything wasn't a dream. I hope I'm his, and he's mine, and my friendship with Phil isn't more than an illusion just like what I've been telling you. 

And I'll find my answers soon enough. 

From what I vaguely remember-- or what I conditioned my mind to think -- I asked him to call me as soon as they land. 

But as I wait for the conclusion of this story, as for now I ask you... what do you think? :)

-END-


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